After six months sorting and sifting through all the possibilities and grief, I've come down to something that is more practical and sensible and yet touches on my dreams and ambitions rather nicely. It took a while to get here, to first let the dreams and visions soar and then to bring it back down to what I really want.
I have learned enough to know that it's not always what we dream of that we really want. It's often and most often at that, a compromise that lands us somewhere further down on the mountain rather than dwelling on a stark and uncompromising peak yet within good hiking distance of the peak if we ever hunger for that higher level. However, most of us are more comfortable somewhere in between, which requires less effort, but has equally as stunning, albeit safer, views.
And that's where I find myself at this point in my season of life. I've cast out my dream baited line hoping and I've slowly reeled it back in until I felt satisfied with what I'd caught on the other end.
I've really put a lot of thought into this over the past six months, going so far as to estimate costs, checking my wants against my physical and financial realities and self-knowledge, and trying to be sure I'm rightly judging my real life and life expectancy, because sadly that last bit is also something I really need to take into consideration. Why spend for something I realistically might not get to enjoy? What's the point?
So, here's where I've landed myself after all this time.
Travel: I still very much want to travel. But what I've come up against is that, in reality, I really like being at home. I don't want to be on the road all of the time.
All those years I spent talking with John about my desire to travel, were also about my desire to make memories with him. Of course, if I do it on my own, I'm still making memories but somehow, it doesn't have the same appeal without him by my side. And that's a truism I've had to come to recognize. And yes, it does change things.
I've settled at present on traveling two, perhaps three, times a year. Once in a lifetime sort of travel for one of those perhaps and then closer to home for the familiar and well-loved places once or twice a year. Financially that also seems incredibly doable and realistic.
Home Improvement: I really don't have big improvements that I want to make. My home overall is sensible and practical for both younger and more senior years. I'd like to replace the windows for something more energy efficient and nicer looking, as well as the entry way doors.
Reality bites. My heat pump is 17 years old, my fridge is 16 years old, the stove is 29 years old the hot water heater is as old as the house...Those things obviously will need to be replaced at some point and quite possibly in the near future.
The smaller bathroom could use a little remodel but that would be purely cosmetic. A new cabinet and sink, a new floor, paint on the walls. Done and done. Most of this is all possible for something I might manage on my own with a little help.
Any other changes indoors would be strictly cosmetic: paint, replacing tatty furnishings (not too much there) and new curtains or rugs, that sort of thing.
Outdoors, my siding has faded and cracked or developed holes from mowing debris flying through the air. It might be wise to replace it. There's a permanently damp spot on the front patio next to the front porch due to dew and rain running into a corner that isn't aerated enough. The patio is cracking...
I'd like to have the area around the house nicely and prettily landscaped, removing the overgrown shrubs I planted 30 years ago and all the mismatched landscaping materials.
I have carefully contemplated what to do about my driveway. Grander schemes, plainer less aesthetic but more utilitarian ones all came into play. The biggest issue I have with the driveway is making it noticeably marked from the rest of the front yard. Because grass has grown over it, no one who doesn't actively drive here knows where the driveway is. A few smarter ones can see the tire tracks and follows them up, but some just are blind to them, drive willy nilly across the front yard and park at the front steps, which leaves them in dire risk of sinking up to their hubs when it's raining.
In really rainy weather, the driveway can become full of potholes and muddy tracks. Paving such a stretch would cost the earth. I've thought of crushe run, but everyone suggests it also needs to be graded. I am not settled on any one solution yet but let me say that I have scaled back pretty hard on my rather ambitious initial plans of paving and fencing the whole of the front drives and yard.
General Living: One thing I find myself looking at hard is the reality of being alone and how it affects my life overall. Truth told, this house is a little too big for me, but facts faced what it has going for it is that it's fully paid for, in good shape and what's one excess bedroom in the long run?
I do not really feel the need of three separate sheds. Currently one is full of stuff that I seem to access less and less which I am in the process of clearing out. One has some of John's items from a long past life as a locksmith (well before we met and married) as well as odds and ends of other's stored items. This is the shed he all but abandoned after repeatedly finding snakeskins in it each year. And the third is full of tools and equipment for yard maintenance. Obviously all three need to be organized, sorted and hopefully reduced by at least one or possibly two in the future.
I currently have two cars. Since both are paid for, it's fairly doable, but do I really need two? As Sam is wont to point out, he has three cars and two trucks at his house and reasonably speaking, if I had only one that failed to start any one of his five would likely be a loaner for me. It would reduce upkeep and insurance to have only one car.
My big concern is that both my cars are twenty odd years old. I know that reasonably speaking I should definitely get a newer vehicle. I'm leaning towards a mid-sized SUV that would combine the luxury seating of a car with the possibility of being able to haul larger items.
And third there is food to consider. What seemed rather natural and normal for John and I, with an eye towards providing at any moment for family, I find that more and more, I need provide only for one and all the usual quantities of things are a bit much for just one person.
I've also been considering my food storage needs. It takes a lot less for a one-person household. For all that I love to cook and to preserve, etc., reality is that I can only eat so much. Do I want to garden at all? Or can? What would be a reasonable food storage for a household of one? Questions to which I have yet to discover the answer that seems 'right'. But it's all under review.
Socializing: I've come up against the fact that I am an introvert, very much so, and while I enjoy people, I am awkward at initializing a contact with anyone. I am quite happy at home, on my own, and don't ever feel I need much company beyond my own. I seldom suffer from loneliness or boredom either. Missing John is a wholly different thing, and I reckon I'll never quite get over missing him. But overall, my life has changed little since he died save that it's quieter. I stay busy and occupied and enjoy my life.
I'd like another dog. I'm waiting on one to come to me. Truth told, we've only brought two dogs onto the place here and one was a huge mistake, and the other was very much John's (he was the one who brought her home). The rest who arrived have been very good dogs who were well suited to the place for one reason and another. And I'm willing to wait on another one. I've been very specific in my prayers about said dog, but so far, I've always gotten the dog I needed at the time, rather than the one I might have prayed for, lol, and that's quite all right. I trust God in this.
For the most part, I am happy to see family once a week or so, but I do see that I ought to at least try to get out a little and meet with others not just at church, but where there is a shared interest in learning something new. What I want to learn is the question.
Writing: This is the one area I've addressed least in my thinking and dreaming. The truth is I've been so overwhelmed by the facts of life as it is now, that I've really not considered the role of writing or any other creative pursuit in my life.
I don't know if I want to pursue writing as diligently as I have in the past. I think I'll always choose to write to some extent because I use it as an open communication between myself and anyone who cares to wander in here and read what I have to say, but I don't have a driving ambition to write here and there and a hundred places elsewhere.
I found over the past two months that it was almost a relief to not feel I had to come write something for anyone. I shall always love writing and reading back over my life based on my writings but as I've said, my ambitions are less than they were. And that's quite all right with me.
And that's where I've landed six months into this new season.
