The Least of Losses

I was watching a vlog and the woman speaking was telling of another major life change she was experiencing, just one of many such changes she'd experienced over the past 3 years.  She is giving up a home where she's lived and worked and which she has renovated into a space that was absolutely beautiful.  Viewers had remarked, more than once, when she first mentioned the possibility of a move, that they hated to see her give up her home.  

In the post I was watching, she spoke frankly to all of her viewers.  "This...," she said, gesturing all around her beautiful room, "...this is the very least of all the losses I've faced over the past three years.  This is nothing to cry over.  I've used my tears for bigger things."

Now there's a bit of wisdom for you.

As I look back at my life, each season I had to go through, was marked first with loss.  Loss of self, loss of purpose, loss of a role, loss of a job, loss of an innocent expectation, loss of friendship, loss of an opportunity, loss of love, loss of place.

All of those losses, seen from this side, I know now were, for the most part, the least of things.  This year marked the big loss.   I lost my husband which is a big enough lost, but I didn't realize that this loss was subtractions multiplied.  I lost roles, identities, the luxury of leaning occasionally on someone who was willing to be leaned on, but also prone to say, "Enough, get on with it now. You can do it."  Loss times loss has overwhelmed me.  

And it amazed me, too.  How could I lose this much and continue to wake each day?  To get up and move through a day doing the most ordinary things?  How could I continue to go through this life when everywhere I looked there was another loss to identify?  There are times still, very nearly seven months in of being a widow, when I walk through the same home, with the same things and yet every single thing has been altered permanently in some way.  And I am the most altered of all, though the face in the mirror looks much the same as it did in March.  Truly, it is a puzzling thing to contemplate.

I say this in October, on a rainy day when I've watched leaves shower down from the tree outside the window.  I am torn between grief at the passing of a season and wonder at the beauty of what is being revealed.  I'm aware that unless the leaves fall, and the tree is bare, there will be no new growth come Spring.  This season is a necessary season in nature.  And so it must be in my life, as well.

Loss comes long before beauty and growth. 

That's the lesson I have learned today.  Loss always comes before the new growth.

Whatever it may look like just now, the ending of so much is also a beginning of much more for anyone experiencing loss.   

Maybe the marriage doesn't break but, in this season, when disillusionment and frustration and fear has set in, it's made into a stronger one.  

Maybe the end of the job leads to a resolve to find a new career, one that rewards you with more money and more time than you can imagine just now.

Maybe the loss of a friendship leads to a stronger, better friendship, and makes you a better friend as well, with a relationship based on truth and honesty as well as compatibility.

And maybe the loss of a life partner leads to a woman who finally draws strong boundaries, a life that is richer for what was known, and a future full of possibilities and contentment.

But first, let us accept that we must let go of what keeps us tied to a past that is...well...past.  Not forgotten, not forsaken, but allowed to drift away, like the leaves. To let go of the least of the losses and wait patiently for that new season which will eventually come.

Thank You Notes for Long Ago Lessons

 

After the episode in late August where I had a near encounter with a long past attraction, it took me a little while to overcome my fear and begin to see what I gained from that period in my life.  

Eventually that led me to look even deeper into my past at other men I had known and to see them not only as they truly were, but what they taught me.  And so, I find myself today writing long overdue Thank you notes to those men from my past who helped me become the woman who finally recognized true love.

Yes/No

I mentioned several months ago that I'd stumbled upon a woman on Instagram, Shahar who talked a lot of sense about women, especially women our age, who have allowed themselves to become invisible, who are tired and used up and weary.  Women who are still saying "Yes" when what they long to say is "No."

This week's Unfiltered Newsletter was in my inbox on Monday.  I'd just come home from a morning out that I'd dreaded with every fiber of my being, to the point that my stomach had twisted in knots and my head ached and I felt at any moment I was going to be truly ill.  I had said "Yes" when what I really wanted to say was, "No."  

And when I finally wandered back home again, wanting nothing in this world, except to kick off my shoes, sit down in my chair and sigh deeply for the waste of the day behind me, I found the newsletter in my Inbox and read this:

It took me a long time to understand that every yes costs something.

Not always in a bad way. Some things are absolutely worth saying yes to. But your time has to come from somewhere. Your energy has to come from somewhere.

If you say yes to spending Saturday doing something you don't want to do, you've also said no to whatever you might have done with that Saturday instead.

That's the part I wasn't paying attention to.

For years, I thought building a better life meant adding things. Do more. Try something new. Make the plan. Find the time.

I'm starting to think subtraction matters just as much. ~ From Shahar, Unfiltered Newsletter #16

(I've included links to both the Instagram and the sign-up for the newsletter in case any of you are interested.)

As Shahar mentioned in the newsletter this week and has said many times before.  It's okay to say, "No."  No explanation needed, just one word, spelled N-O.  We don't owe anyone an excuse, an explanation.  

It's true that a few people in our lives might well be put out with us for saying, "No" especially when we have consistently, obstinately and far too often said "Yes" no matter how we felt, what we really wanted to do, where we needed to be, however inconvenienced we might be.  We have said "Yes" to win approval.  Sometimes we give up something we can never get back: an opportunity, a dream, a moment to nurture another relationship, or rest we desperately need.  We give up health and time and money.  All because we want to win the approval of just that one person.  A person who may not be family or a friend, who truly has no real impact on our life other than serving as a distraction from all the things we wish we'd said "Yes" to instead.

"No" is not hard to say.  Most babies manage to parrot it back at us from their earliest talking experience.  If only we hadn't lost the ability to say such a simple word!

Now let us look at the things we tend to say "No" to.  Too often, it's something we want, desire, long for...And our reasons for saying No often comes down to not feeling we deserve whatever it is we really want.

In a roundabout sort of way, this can tie back into my post about my spending (You may replace spending with any other bad habit that 'costs' you).  Every time I don't say "No" to those few extra grocery items that I don't require or really even want, I'm saying "No" to something I would enjoy more.  A book I love and long to own.  A beautiful perennial for my yard.  A movie I would like to see in the theater.  An overnight stay in an area I've longed to go explore.  A gorgeous, larger than usual bouquet of flowers to spread around the rooms of my home.  A really lovely piece of jewelry that made my heart sing when I looked at it. A can of the most gloriously saturated paint to transform a room, or the front door. 

You name it, I've made a choice to say 'no' to many things, any one of which might have meant far more to me than food I didn't need in the first place.  

The truth is I'm tired of saying "Yes" to the things I don't want to do at all and "No" to things I do want to do.  I'm tired of explaining myself and feeling guilty.  I just want, truly, to live my life as a far happier, less anxious woman.  Because if I don't start now, then when will I?  

Even my natural optimism cannot deny that time is getting shorter and shorter. I'm not getting younger.  Like it or not there is a limited shelf life for what lies ahead.

So maybe it's time to really stop and consider what I'm about to say Yes/No to and then go full speed ahead with the answer that makes the most of the time/money I have.

Please understand, this is not meant to create anxiety about saying either Yes or No.  It's meant to make me, us, stop and think about what we're also saying No or Yes to when we do make a hasty reply rather than give ourselves a moment and really think about what we're about to say.

I learned a long time ago that when I was already tired and weary, I'd say a hasty "No" to just about everything, even if it was something that I really, really wanted to do.  I had to learn to say, "Wait.  I need to think about this.  I'll give you an answer tomorrow," or next week or whenever I knew I could be fully rested and capable of giving a sincerely meant and heartfelt reply.  I also had to learn to say "No" to those who had made it a habit to bleed me dry because their emotional needs were strained, or they were the selfish sorts, or they just weren't aware that I too was in an unhealthy emotional space.  

Just STOP before you automatically reply.  Ask yourself, "Can I make a reasonable decision just now?'  "Will doing this mean I have to give up something I'd really been looking forward to?'  "Is this how I want to spend my time/money right now?"

THINK.

Then answer thoughtfully.  From the heart.  Without explaining.  Without guilt.  And let it be.

October Plans, Promises, and Hopes

 

I made my promises in September for Fall, but I thought I'd let you know what's on my list for October.  It only feels right I should have a few plans, especially since November's calendar is quickly filling with appointments and must do items.  It' looking as though October may be my last 'free' month until December or possibly next year!

Practically Speaking

After six months sorting and sifting through all the possibilities and grief, I've come down to something that is more practical and sensible and yet touches on my dreams and ambitions rather nicely.  It took a while to get here, to first let the dreams and visions soar and then to bring it back down to what I really want.

I have learned enough to know that it's not always what we dream of that we really want.  It's often and most often at that, a compromise that lands us somewhere further down on the mountain rather than dwelling on a stark and uncompromising peak yet within good hiking distance of the peak if we ever hunger for that higher level.   However, most of us are more comfortable somewhere in between, which requires less effort, but has equally as stunning, albeit safer, views.

Little Lies Rob My Dreams

I found myself the other day lamenting what I cannot do...

I told myself that it was just a passing season, that it wasn't my fault, that it couldn't be helped, that this was just the way life is...

Lies.  These are lies.

Things That We Bump Into

 

In the midst of my resting period, I stumbled into an unexpected web from the past.  As sticky and persistently clinging as any damp spider web can be, I found myself forever trying to extricate my thoughts and feelings from the tangled mess I'd wandered into quite by accident.

It began, as things of this sort do, quite innocently.  I was wandering about doing a routine errand when I heard a page go out and the person requested had the same name as someone from my far away past, back when I was restless and seeking and quite honestly far more beautiful and reckless than I shall ever be again.  Really, it was nothing to go into a tither over and yet, I did.  I spun right around into that web and found myself confused and frustrated on so many scores as I attempted to free my thoughts and emotions.  

One Day...

 

One day...

You're going to wake up and know

How strong you are.

September - Promises for the Months Ahead

I think my time away was very beneficial.  I read a number of books.  I took a lot of naps and slept in late most mornings.  I ate decently, stayed home a lot, marathon viewed my way through several new to me vlogs and tv series, watched movies and journaled.  

Along about the fourth week of August, I woke with a tingling anticipation for the months ahead.  A little restless, a little ambitious, a little anticipatory for autumn.  I even planned my very first trip, which I'll be taking with family to another state that is NOT Florida, and then I began setting my plans in motion for a trip to St. Augustine.

This Too is What Grief Looks Like

 

I know I've said it before, but July ended up being a difficult month.  Not a hard month particularly, but minor illness, sciatica, a week of being sad, a month more or less of not feeling well overall, heat...You name it and it pretty much knocked me off kilter.  And it's left me feeling I am out of place somehow.

For one thing, school has started.  Every year I've gotten excited about a 'new year' when school began.  This year, I feel terribly blasé.  And honestly, I'm a little puzzled about it.

For another thing, I have several minor health issues that I've found have been terrible stumbling blocks.  I've been reluctant to make appointments that would obviously provide answers or solve issues because I don't feel well.  I've felt overwhelmed by decisions, period.  And yet, I have no good reason for not feeling well.  I'm not sick.  I just don't feel 100%.  

Can't Never Could

 

Over the last several months I've begun to say more and more often, "I can't..."  You may fill in the '...' part with whatever it is in your own life that you feel you can no longer do.  For me, it's about my health.

A year ago, at my annual visit with my former doctor's partner, my A1c was smack on the mark for diabetes.  The doctor, being the type that he was, fussed mightily, told me I'd die of a heart attack any day now and focused solely upon reprimanding me about every imaginable thing under the sun.  To be honest, it put my back up.  It also burst my confidence.