Stepping Into the Void

I was meant to be gathering images for a collage that marked Past, Present, and Future for a weekly task in a study I'm working on.  Since I have only a very few magazines on hand, most of my images centered around words clipped from pages and a handful of pictures that represented things important to me.  Frankly none of them represented my past, of which I feel I've had a gracious plenty!  Instead, I focused on what I wanted to see in my future.  Some of what I have now.  A lot more than I have now.  I had slowed considerably in clipping and started scanning articles as I flipped through one of the last magazines. Suddenly there was a small paragraph that leaped off the page at me.  

I was so caught in what I read, that I completely failed to note who the author was.  She (he?) had written for a travel magazine about a trip to the Grand Canyon.  The author found herself traversing a narrow ledge, keenly aware of the rocks pressing into her on the one side and the vast amount of space and air on the other.  She related her first and second thought.  First that she might stumble, fall and find herself tumbling thousands and thousands of feet down into the canyon beyond.  Her second thought was, "But what if I just chose to jump off, instead?"

The second thought disturbed her mightily.  She later related the experience to her trail guide.  "The French have a phrase for that," he told her.  " It translates to 'the call of the void'. I've heard of many people experiencing it, though I never have. "

I felt my whole body and spirit go quiet and still.  I know the call of the void.  I would even liken what I'm doing now, navigating grief, as an exercise in experiencing, and resisting, the call of the void.

I existed in that space of pressing in close and being aware of the void on the other side for a few weeks' time just after John's death.  Not for long, but long enough.  My nature is to 'get busy', to go to work, to get on with things, through the big and unbelievably difficult things.  The truth is I fill up space and time with activity.  I see the void.  I may contemplate the vastness of it.  But overall, it makes me uncomfortable.  It's unnatural to me.  

And yet, I cannot deny that it exists.  For me right now, that void is called 'future' in which so many unknowns lie.  Will I find my way along this ledge to wider paths that make me feel safe?   Will I find I have a guide to help me along the more difficult ways?  Or will I simply turn and face the vast unknowingness of it all and free fall, waiting to see what might happen?

I can't help but contemplate the freedom of letting go and just going over the edge.  Would it be like flying?  Would the wind uplift me at some point?  

On the other hand, I have this healthy fear of the consequences of gravity based on just such foolish actions.  Here is the problem when the practical, realistic woman gets tangled with the romantic, more adventurous one.  

Then again, practically speaking, perhaps that is balance wheel to being totally off the wall?

I think I shall play it somewhat safe and keep traversing the narrow ledge I'm on.  But I'm on the lookout for the wider part, where I not only can turn away from the wall but see the void.  It will be enough I think, to accept that though there is a ledge under my feet, everything I do from now is, in essence, stepping into the unknown.  That's close enough, I think.

My Turn

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...  Oh, let me begin again.  As usual, I've been doing a lot of thinking...

Possibilities abound all around me.  Things I've always wanted to do, never had time for, or was otherwise unable to do.  All the usual excuses come into play here. In the past, I'd cite John's lack of interest, a lack of money, a lack of time, etc.   All were exactly what I said they were: excuses.  Some had more validity than others, but they were all excuses, nonetheless.

July Promises and Possibilities

 

For this last day of June, I have been mildly busy.  And I took a long, deep nap, too.  I've wished a Happy Birthday to my granddaughter Rosalynn who turned 12 today.  I've worked in the shed, made Cheddar Jalapeno bagels and contemplated what I consider to be the real start of summer, the month of July.

It is the last 'vacation' month for the children.  Nearly all of them start school at the end of July or the first of August.  June was full enough of nice things to keep me feeling I'm more than a drudge but not all the things I'd promised myself came to be.  I'm happy with what I did get to though.  

But what about July?

The Visible Woman

 

It is a common truth, that as we age, we shrink.  Gravity has a way of pulling us down closer to the earth.

But for some of us, we've been shrinking for years. It's nothing to do with aging.  It's everything to do with thinking we are of no value, that we have no right or reason to draw attention to ourselves.  

For some of us, shrinking out of sight is a skill we learned as children.  We kept low and out of eye contact range as much as possible.  When all hell broke loose, we went quietly about picking up pieces, cleaning up messes, taking care of the debris from someone else's fallout level disasters.  

Someday Is Now

 

Everyone has a list.  It might be a physical list, but some of us only keep a mental one tucked far back in the brain.  And every once in a while, we drag it out of hiding and examine it. It's the Someday list.  Others might call it the Bucket List (good movie by the way...).  It is a comprehensive list of all the things we mean to do someday.

Someday...

My Grief

 

Here is a question I struggle with a great deal:  What does grief look like?  Is it meant to look exactly the same for everyone?  Does it come in different sizes and different forms?  Does it go in and out of fashion like styles?  How do I, as a new widow, still lively enough to want to live fully and well, deal with loss?  What is my identity now?

So many questions follow the one question, which is circular and always comes back around: What does grief look like?

Loss and Possibility

 

This is where I am here in June.  I have experienced a loss, a great loss, and yet I am so very aware that there are all sorts of possibilities before me.  It's a weird balance to walk between grief and joy, between old identity and new unformed self, between now and a future that is so vast and unknown before me that it scares and thrills me all at once.

As I came into May, once I began to be aware of life still life-ing all around me, it was hard to remain in the fog of grieving on a permanent basis.  Oh, there is still grief and it comes upon me unexpectedly at some point in most days, but it's not devastating.  It's not consuming misery.  It's just an awareness that there is a huge void in my life, that John's presence was large in my life.  I was happy to sit on the sidelines for the most part, to observe quietly and share what I observed with him.

A Time to Dance

Ecclesiastes 3 has always been one of my favorite passages.  The whole book is a favorite of mine, but most especially Chapter 3:1-8. 

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." 

Those verses speak of all the things of life in my opinion.  I find them very comforting at most any time but of late I've found them reminders to of hope because for everything we might experience in life there is an opposite that balances all.  

True to Myself

 

There was a place in my life where I didn't like who I was.   I'd say the shocking things that no one else would say just to see people react, to draw attention to myself.  I didn't want their attention, yet I felt compelled to get it just the same.  I was too loud.  Prone to exaggerate. Intent on disguising all that I wasn't by pretending to be someone much bolder, badder, and funnier.  Acting and behaving in ways that made me uncomfortable, that felt false to who I truly was underneath, but I thought if I acted more like those around me then I'd not feel so lost and alone and so very much on the outside of the window looking in at everyone else.  

There comes a point in every life where we have to own who we are inside and who we are pretending to be.

Love, Intimacy and Desire

I've been reading an absolutely lovely book by a female Christian writer widowed after 46 years.  She talks of the great love she and her husband shared.  I too have spoken of the depth of love John and I had, how good (and normal) our marriage was.

She mentions many of the emotions and feelings I myself have experienced.  But one thing is noticeably missing.  It is missing in most dialogues about widowhood.  Perhaps because for many of us it is such a powerfully intimate subject, and for some even taboo.  

Promises I'm Making for June

June is always a busy month.  The kids are newly home for the summer, there are umpteen birthdays starting the last week of May (8 total), and somehow a new season always spurs many new projects.  It will be hard to hold myself to promises but I plan to keep as many as I possibly can.  And if you want to check how I did in May, then look right here at the updates. 

1.  I promise to find something nice and cool and comfortable to wear around the house.  I've been wearing jeans and t-shirts which is fine for the cooler days of spring but now that we're in the hotter days?  Nope!  I have some 'capris' I bought last summer that fit badly then and don't fit any better now.  They were actually made for someone about 4 feet 5 inches not 5 feet 3 inches.  And the size tag is a straight up liar.  I crammed into them last year but this year, I'm not planning to be that uncomfortable.