Promises I'm Making for June

June is always a busy month.  The kids are newly home for the summer, there are umpteen birthdays starting the last week of May (8 total), and somehow a new season always spurs many new projects.  It will be hard to hold myself to promises but I plan to keep as many as I possibly can.  And if you want to check how I did in May, then look right here at the updates. 

1.  I promise to find something nice and cool and comfortable to wear around the house.  I've been wearing jeans and t-shirts which is fine for the cooler days of spring but now that we're in the hotter days?  Nope!  I have some 'capris' I bought last summer that fit badly then and don't fit any better now.  They were actually made for someone about 4 feet 5 inches not 5 feet 3 inches.  And the size tag is a straight up liar.  I crammed into them last year but this year, I'm not planning to be that uncomfortable.

I've decided this year the answer will be Cotton.  Cotton capris, cotton dresses, cotton skirts. Or so I hope.  I've ordered one pair of capri pants and one dress.  Fingers crossed.

2.  I promise to add four new healthy habits to my life.  

A. Hydration is an issue for me.  I tend to jump right from bed to grab coffee.  I'm going to change that up by starting my day with a tall glass of water with lemon.

B. Return to intermittent fasting.  It worked for me last Spring/Summer to lose a bit of weight, but I dropped it when I started keeping Caleb because John wanted me to eat breakfast with him each morning before I left.  I don't much blame him.  Honestly, we'd been eating breakfast together for the past 33 years.  I enjoyed that time with him and I have no regrets.

But now, well there's no one waiting to have breakfast with me.  I've pretty much kept up with not eating after a set time each evening except on very rare occasions.  So I think I can easily re-incorporate this into my life.

C.  Morning sun in my eyes for 10 minutes every morning.  I'm usually up around 7am at the latest and more frequently as early as 6:30. Even on muggy mornings it's not too hot to catch that first sun and sit listening to the birds.  

D. Cut way back on sugar free soda.  I drink water most of the day but after a bit I want something different and in my mind that often relates to a fizzy soda.  However, I've been sipping unsweetened iced tea lately and rediscovered the peach tea I used to love, and I find it very refreshing.  And there are pro-biotic, low sugar fizzy drinks these days as well.  I'm not giving up my Diet Dr. Pepper entirely, but I think I can happily find a better alternative 6 days a week.

3. I promise to make a list of all the things I want to do, buy, etc.  I have mental lists but it's not the same thing as a readable list.  Once I have a list, or lists, I can begin the actual work of assessing what I need and what I can do. Lists also will allow me to keep my eyes open for things I need to complete a space/project if anything goes on sale or is found unexpectedly.

4.  I promise to tackle one outdoor project and one indoor project.  Focus, focus, focus. I can do anything if I'm focused. My idea is that I'll work in one space, on one project and do all I can do in a month's time.  Or if I find that the next step is too far out of reach, then I'll do all I can and move on to the next space/project.  I don't mind things that require time.  I just want to see some progress!

5.  I promise to return to writing morning pages and working through The Artist's Way.  I couldn't do either of those things when John passed away, but I think I'm ready to return to both of these now.  Journalling is a beneficial thing for me, and it's time I made it a habit once more.  I'm ready to focus on things besides legal matters (mostly all done) and sorting through John's personal things.  

6.  I promise to have fun.  Not just with the grandkids though we do intend to do the summer reading program (at least they plan to here at the start), but also to have my own sort of fun.  Getting out to visit antique shops and taking short day trips to places I've always wanted to see here in my own state, reading once more, seeing a movie, maybe sit under my own sprinkler if it gets terribly hot.  Whatever I think might be fun to do.  Thankfully my idea of fun overall is wholesome things.

7.  I promise I will see as many sunsets as I can this month.  I have a tendency to shut the blinds, lock up the house, and close out the world at large well before sunset most evenings but this month, I'm going to try to remember that daylight lasts longer for only a short portion of the year and this is it.  I don't want to waste the opportunity to see a single summer sunset.

8.  I promise I will enjoy the 'fruits' of summer.   This time of year, there is so much good fresh produce, fruits and vegetables and they aren't available at any other time of the year.  I've already had my first peach.  Never again will I make myself wait until mid to late June before I enjoy peaches. 

Sam's garden is already starting to produce and he's more than willing to share.  I've had my first zucchini, and he's got yellow squash coming in as well.  Another farm stand is advertising their first peas of the season.

Good seasonal foods are one of the things I enjoy embracing all year round.  And many a summer has ended with me realizing that I haven't had some item or other that I can only get in summer.  Not this year.  I buy fresh produce anyway, so why not what's in season instead of what I'm just in the habit of purchasing year-round?

But not just foods...Summer has so much to offer that is only here this time of year.  Like sitting under a sprinkler, or watching fireflies in the evening, wandering around the yard deadheading and watering plants, just sitting and soaking in some sun, picnics, fireworks, etc.  There are lots of things to enjoy this time of year and why miss out on any of it?

9.  I promise to buy at least four perennial plants for the planters or yard this month.  I'm never going to be able to have that pretty yard I so desire if I don't start working on it!  And in order to get started, I need plants.  

10.  I promise to continue to keep my promise to make no big buying decisions...but I've made one exception. I've just ordered a new mattress.  Too many nights being uncomfortable and waking up in pain and feeling unrested are behind me.  John and I knew we needed a new mattress, and we kept putting off the purchase.  After finally admitting I wasn't sleeping well because of the discomfort of the mattress, I dumped all the pillows I had piled on his side of the bed and slept smack in the middle, only to discover the middle had such a narrow strip of firmness that I sort of 'fell' right back into the slumpy sagging side.  

Enough.  It's foolish to wait another full year before buying what I know we'd planned to replace because we were both uncomfortable.

Identity Crisis

 

I've shared before that when Katie left home at 18, I found myself in a long spell of grief.  It was completely unexpected.  I'd been parenting for over 30 years, and I thought I was more than ready to lose that role of full-time parent.  I started out excited about the time ahead.  And then I was hit by the runaway car called grief which nearly debilitated me for two full years.  

I didn't know what to do with myself!  All those plans I'd made for the day when I would not be on call 24/7 mattered no longer.  I lost my footing.  It was totally unexpected and it took me by surprise.

Six weeks into losing John, I can tell you that I find myself in a similar place now.  

Making Changes 1% At A Time

 

I floated through the last of March and the first part of April as though I were lost in a fog and I was.  I realized in mid-April I needed to stop and just 'be' so to speak, whatever form 'being' took at the time.  Tears, making relational decisions, attempting social occasions and church solo, dealing with paperwork and appointments, and finally determining what I wanted beyond John's NOT being gone, which is not an option I can choose.

I realized I could re-establish some routines in my life and ground myself somewhat better.  I started with the Friday and Monday house blessings, those two days of the week when my house is most prone to be untidy and need real attention.  I like going into the weekend with it clean and neat and I like coming out of the weekend well rested and ready to set things to rights for the week ahead.  

Wisdoms I Need

 

Grief work always causes us to revisit underlying grief.  ~ Liz (in the comments of this post)

She is so right!  I recognized the truth of it as soon as I read that statement.  I had wondered why I kept dwelling on so many hurts, long past and more recent, things I'd normally have thought little about.  But even the slightest grief has been like a new pang in my soul.  I needed that "Ah ha!" moment she gave me when she chose to share that.

Grief is a magnet that will pick up all the little pieces of grief.  And it has made it more difficult for me to discern exactly what I'm grieving at times.

Sorrow upon Sorrow

 

The thing I've found about grief is that it has a way of dredging up all the past griefs, ones I'd thought were long dealt with and forgotten.  

The need of a girl for her mother...

The desire to be an aunt...

Today, as I was leaving church, a young woman came and stopped directly in front of me.   I stood looking at her, sure I knew her, sure she was family, but not quite recognizing her.  I said "Hi..." a little hesitantly.  Something about her face kept nagging at me that she was someone I knew well.  It was my niece.  We hugged long and deep.  She is 30 years old.   I have had only the briefest moments of contact with her.

Promises for May

 

1.  Life is too short to eat food that isn't good.   I don't mean spoiled food, but food that is lacking in taste or texture, or a recipe that didn't turn out and feels like punishment when I force myself to eat it. or the leftovers of it which haven't improved.  I did that too often in April and I've made up my mind that if I'm going to consume 'x' number of calories each day, then the food I eat shall (a) taste good (b) be something I genuinely enjoy (c) and look forward to eating.  

I've had ill luck of late with things I crammed into the freezer before John died.  WHY did I save those things thinking they'd taste better later?  

Closed Doors

 

John has been gone a month at the time I'm writing this.  One month ago today, I kissed his forehead and walked out of the room leaving his physical body, my dearest friend and great love, behind.  I realize now that I was in a state of shock.  Operating normally enough on the surface but reeling with sorrow underneath.  Holding myself together for the sake of my children, but bereft.  Probably not hiding it very well though I supposed at the time that I was.

But two things happened that I have not shared.  Two other griefs, which are wrapped up in losing my beloved.  The Sunday morning of his last day, when I'd been told he'd passed away, before I went in to see him and he miraculously regained consciousness, one of the first people I called was my brother.   I told him John had died. "Well Terri, it's going to happen to all of us at some point.  I'm sorry."    I asked him to please let Mama know.  

Coffee Chat: How I'm Really Doing

 

Dear Friends, 

I'm going to change the pattern of posting on you all for a little bit.  I feel the need to not be a writer but to be open and honest about how I feel just now.

No great revelation to any of you, I'm sure, that I'm grieving.  

Grief for me might look different than it looks for someone else.  I am not wailing and gnashing my teeth.  I do cry at times.  Little things, little tears.  And one stormy evening of wrestling with the real pain of grief and loss and longing to turn back time.  Those 34 years of John were far too short!  They went too quickly.  I wanted more.  I thought we'd have more.

Architect of My Soul

 

This evening on the way home from a day of appointment, errands, and a family visit, I finally put in the CD of John's music that he'd recorded and put in our safety deposit box.  I found myself singing along, smiling, raising a hand in worship at times, and thinking deeply about what a journey a life can be.  What we are truly building as we go is a Soul, that mysterious inner being that is so connected to heart and mind.  With the building of our Soul, we become our own three-in-one self.    

Hard Things

Fact of Life:  When you lose your husband, the world expects you to step up and adult even if you don't want to, don't feel like it, are anxious about it, or dread it because it's dang hard stuff you must do.

And it sucks.

But you get up each day, and you do it anyway, because no one else can do it for you.  Oh, they can...But how selfish to expect anyone else to stop their lives to do it for me simply because I feel lazy or low, or fearful, or whatever else emotion I might cough up.   I mean, they all have things they must deal with and attend to and face their own loss at the same time...surely, I can do just as much. 

Reflections on Loss

 

Does Loss count as a big emotion?  By definition it is not. The emotional response to loss is grief.  You grieve over a lost mate, a lost pet, a lost job, a major change in life, losing anything that you valued or held dear.  Grief is the big emotion.  But purportedly loss is what has happened to you, not what you feel.  So.

I cannot determine if I am numb, or if this past year, all the conversations John and I had, all the things we did to secure our future, my future, so prepared me for what lay ahead that I've accepted that easily that I am now alone.  I have discovered what it is to experience loss of someone who was so much a part of my life that I truly felt he breathed out and I breathed in.