September - Promises for the Months Ahead

I think my time away was very beneficial.  I read a number of books.  I took a lot of naps and slept in late most mornings.  I ate decently, stayed home a lot, marathon viewed my way through several new to me vlogs and tv series, watched movies and journaled.  

Along about the fourth week of August, I woke with a tingling anticipation for the months ahead.  A little restless, a little ambitious, a little anticipatory for autumn.  I even planned my very first trip, which I'll be taking with family to another state that is NOT Florida, and then I began setting my plans in motion for a trip to St. Augustine.

Although I do realize that Labor Day is not the 'official' end of summer, truly it is in nearly every other sense.  School is in session everywhere by now.  The sight of yellow school buses is all too common on the roadways.  School supplies are still on sale in stores.  I've begun taking sneak peeks at cardigans and pullovers, lovely autumn clothing.  I've seen the real seasonal signs of a new season ahead: golden rod budding, boiled peanut stands with fresh peanuts, cotton bolls awaiting harvest, and the arrival of the new crop of apples from the northern part of our state.

I have avoided with diligence all of the seasonal signs of Pumpkin Spice everything, fall decor in August, Halloween displays at the decor stores.   I just cannot get behind those things when it's 101 in the shade and the zinnias, cosmos, fig trees, and Phlox all dried up into brittle sticks.

I've done a great deal of thinking, too, in my time away.  About the ways I sabotage myself, the ways that I still tend to twist myself into knots, the things I want most from my life and the things standing in my way (mostly me, myself, and I).

The promises I'm making today are for the next three months.  It doesn't include the holiday weeks from late November to the first part of January.  That is, in my mind, a whole separate season to be enjoyed.  There are many things I want to enjoy and plan for in the autumn months, too much to fit into one month.

#1.  I will be mindful of my spending.  I started following a new to me frugal vlogger and so far, I've found her information hits home.  In a post in late August, she laid down ten rules for shopping, and one rule hit me really hard:  Leave room to walk away from a purchase.  Disappointment costs less than regret.    

Her point was that leaving a big purchase for a few days and letting the idea of the item 'brew' might mean it's no longer available later, but in the end, it will cost you nothing.  While regret is often the result of spending money you don't have at that time, or you are purchasing something that doesn't fit your life, style or real desires.  Once spent, money is seldom recouped.  Better to live with the disappointment of missing out on something than to regret money you can't get back!

I've noticed a spending habit or two of mine that needed to be curbed or reassessed over the past few months.  I want to be more mindful of where I'm spending money and why.  My main goal is to ask myself repeatedly, "Is this spending embracing my real desires or hindering me from achieving what I want?"

#2.  Create a Fall Bucket list of seasonal treats and pleasures to be enjoyed over the next few months.  Seasonal foods always come to mind: fresh hot boiled peanuts, crisp cider rich apples, mulled cider, spicy cakes, leaf shaped sugar cookies, and my autumn oatmeal cookies all come to mind, as does pecan pie with fresh season pecans, apple pies, slow simmering pot roasts, and pots of soup.

But so does driving to the mountain to view the autumn leaves, stopping at some of the fall festivals that abound in our area, gathering bouquets of wildflowers which bloom prolifically just before frost, and sitting on the porch enjoying chill mornings with a nice cup of brown sugar cinnamon coffee. Watching a movie on a chilly, rainy autumn afternoon with a nice hot cup of tea, creating a fall reading list, looking for a pretty mug for autumn cuppas, caramel dipped apples...There's lots to be enjoyed!

#3.  Now is the time to make several trips.  It's time to stretch my wings and enjoy travel the way I've always wanted to do.   Having grown up with a father who was destination oriented and having been married to a man who was the same, now is the time for me to take advantage of all those side trips I've always wanted to make along the journey to my destination.  

I was watching a vlogger who said whenever she plans a trip, she looks at all there is to do in the area they will be visiting, including restaurants, coffee shops, stores that look interesting, tourist attractions, etc. and then she makes an itinerary that includes some of them. 

I can plan to enjoy some of them as I travel along.  It will make for a nice break in long travel days and if it happens that I take an extra hour or half day to arrive, then I'm fine with that.  

#4.  Assess my projects lists and get started.  Several of the projects I want to work on will take mostly elbow grease rather than a boatload of money.  I'll choose one project and do all I can on it before I move on to the next.  There's plenty to be done, indoors and out.

My home, especially outdoors, has really begun to look a bit worn and rundown.  It's due mainly to the fact that I gave up when sciatica hit me hard in June/July and then it got really hot.  The mismatched mess of pots and containers on the patio need to go.  The porches and sheds need a fresh coat of paint.  Flower beds should be cleared or heavily pruned and weeded.  Indoors paint touch-ups, decor changes, replacing very worn items with something fresher and newer all await me.  

#5.  Look hard at my wardrobe and ask myself if my fall/winter things reflect who I am?  Once I wore lovely mustards and rusty oranges and it suited me.  Now my hair is mostly grey, those colors no longer look good on me.  I've changed my style back to something a little more bohemian romantic in nature.  I amassed a few nice pieces over time in the spring/summer that suited that style for those seasons, but do I have anything that fits fall/winter?  Do I have a proper jacket?  Do I need pieces to complete outfits?  

I never buy a whole lot of things at once but simply try to determine what I need and then I look, rather casually, for them when I go into a store, am shopping online or in a thrift store.  Katie has gotten very good at picking up items she finds in thrift stores that suit me perfectly and she's seldom wrong in her selection.  I am happy to acquire these things gradually.  

#6.  Start a list of purchases I want to make over the next six months.   I'll need to buy paint for porches and for interior walls.  I need other items to complete the projects I plan to tackle over the next three months.  I need to replace a few pieces of furniture.  I obviously won't buy everything all at once, but I can be pricing and setting money aside over the next few months to make those purchases.

#7.   I will not hold myself back from doing fun things just because I am alone.   I will be looking into what's on offering at small groups, recreational departments, etc. and see what sounds interesting.  I want to get out a little more.  I'm not very good at reaching out and I need to put that into practice.    It's hard being an introverted rural country girl!

This Too is What Grief Looks Like

 

I know I've said it before, but July ended up being a difficult month.  Not a hard month particularly, but minor illness, sciatica, a week of being sad, a month more or less of not feeling well overall, heat...You name it and it pretty much knocked me off kilter.  And it's left me feeling I am out of place somehow.

For one thing, school has started.  Every year I've gotten excited about a 'new year' when school began.  This year, I feel terribly blasé.  And honestly, I'm a little puzzled about it.

For another thing, I have several minor health issues that I've found have been terrible stumbling blocks.  I've been reluctant to make appointments that would obviously provide answers or solve issues because I don't feel well.  I've felt overwhelmed by decisions, period.  And yet, I have no good reason for not feeling well.  I'm not sick.  I just don't feel 100%.  

Can't Never Could

 

Over the last several months I've begun to say more and more often, "I can't..."  You may fill in the '...' part with whatever it is in your own life that you feel you can no longer do.  For me, it's about my health.

A year ago, at my annual visit with my former doctor's partner, my A1c was smack on the mark for diabetes.  The doctor, being the type that he was, fussed mightily, told me I'd die of a heart attack any day now and focused solely upon reprimanding me about every imaginable thing under the sun.  To be honest, it put my back up.  It also burst my confidence.  

Incarnations

 

                                                           painting by Freydoon Rassouli

I was sitting here thinking the other day, while the television was paused.  My photo gallery from Amazon began to scroll across the screen.  I looked at the backgrounds instead of just the people in the photos as each rolled by.  I was amazed at how often the decor of our home changed through the years, how different our yard looked in various stages, how much I'd changed myself in hair color, facial features, clothing styles, hairstyles, etc.

Later I was watching a vlogger who said, "If I could be reincarnated, I'd like to come back as...."  

And that's when it hit me.  Every season in life, every change of decor in our home, every job, every relationship, every life stage is essentially a form of reincarnation, a new life. We live a series of lives in a lifetime.  

Promises for August

 

I am glad I didn't make big promises for July because it got away from me.  I did get peaches, eat my peach ice cream, even managed a day or two with the children, but most of it was spent working my way through not feeling well.

One promise I didn't make, but which I added in was giving myself a week to just feel the feelings and not restrain myself in any way about them.  I have no regrets at all.

I am done with July.  Now let me think ahead to August...

I'm Not That Woman Anymore

 

I think one of the most disturbing reality checks is that no matter how many years away from self-abuse, and self-sabotage I might come, at some point, when I'm overwhelmed or too tired, or hungry, or sorrowing, I will find myself smack in the middle of thoughts of what I might do.  Never good things, mind you.  Stinking thinking sorts of things, things that hail right back to the days of not caring for myself but reacting with destructive behaviors.

I've never been an alcoholic, but I understand too well the desire to drown my sorrows, albeit my drownings include compulsive overeating, indulging in behaviors that undermine my self-esteem and make me feel shame.  There they are, bold and stark and demanding as always, beckoning to me wildly.  "Hey, why don't you...?" they shout at me.  

Permission to be Sad

 

I sat down the other night weary to the bone.  Beyond that even, weary to the core of my soul.  "Why?", I asked myself.  "Why am I so very wearied just now?"

Well, it's not just now.  It's been building over the past few months.  Starting the long waiting day of March 21 and going all the way through this past weekend.   Sunday evening, I sat down and looked at my calendar.  There was nothing to do.  No appointments to keep, no bills to pay, no big chores planned, no time out with the grandchildren.  I don't need any groceries, or to run any errands. 

Renter vs. Owner Mentality

 

I have a secret love.  Mind you all, it's been ongoing for years upon years, but here lately I've indulged in it more and more.  I like to watch vlogs about small apartments.  We're talking anything from 191sq. ft., to the 2m sort in Paris.  Deep city apartments, lost in the boroughs and arrondissements.  I love seeing how people utilize their tiny spaces, some of which are rented and some of which are owned.   

Do I have any desire at all to live in New York, or Paris, or Italy, or Chicago or Los Angeles? Nope. None.  Not at all.  I am very much a girl who must have her green space right outside her window, be free of traffic noise and fumes, and be able to access her home without climbing five flights of stairs or walk six blocks to the corner grocery.  I am and always will be a country woman and quite happy about it.  But I love the glimpse into a life that I don't know and never shall.

Stepping Into the Void

I was meant to be gathering images for a collage that marked Past, Present, and Future for a weekly task in a study I'm working on.  Since I have only a very few magazines on hand, most of my images centered around words clipped from pages and a handful of pictures that represented things important to me.  Frankly none of them represented my past, of which I feel I've had a gracious plenty!  Instead, I focused on what I wanted to see in my future.  Some of what I have now.  A lot more than I have now.  I had slowed considerably in clipping and started scanning articles as I flipped through one of the last magazines. Suddenly there was a small paragraph that leaped off the page at me.  

My Turn

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...  Oh, let me begin again.  As usual, I've been doing a lot of thinking...

Possibilities abound all around me.  Things I've always wanted to do, never had time for, or was otherwise unable to do.  All the usual excuses come into play here. In the past, I'd cite John's lack of interest, a lack of money, a lack of time, etc.   All were exactly what I said they were: excuses.  Some had more validity than others, but they were all excuses, nonetheless.

July Promises and Possibilities

 

For this last day of June, I have been mildly busy.  And I took a long, deep nap, too.  I've wished a Happy Birthday to my granddaughter Rosalynn who turned 12 today.  I've worked in the shed, made Cheddar Jalapeno bagels and contemplated what I consider to be the real start of summer, the month of July.

It is the last 'vacation' month for the children.  Nearly all of them start school at the end of July or the first of August.  June was full enough of nice things to keep me feeling I'm more than a drudge but not all the things I'd promised myself came to be.  I'm happy with what I did get to though.  

But what about July?