I Forgive Her

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Last night I dreamed of something hard.  I woke tense with a heavy cloud hanging over me that had nothing at all to do with the rainy wintry day outside.  I carried the heaviness with me into the kitchen to get coffee. I sat with it as I sipped from my cup and made our breakfast.  I walked with it as I did the few chores I needed to do.

And then I came into my workroom to write the morning pages and found myself writing about the dream.  I didn't go into deep details.  They aren't necessary.  But it's what I did after my brief description of the dream that resonated hard with me.  Because you see it wasn't just a dream.  It actually happened to me, and I dreamed a memory I'd pushed hard into the background.   

While I have never before shared an actual entry with you all, I'm going to share a portion of what I wrote this morning.

...I release that trauma.  I release my own feelings of guilt and shame.  I let go of it now, once and for all.  I release my anger and the betrayal of (my ex) and (a local official).  It's done.  It's over.  I do not need to carry this into my future.  It can serve no further purpose in my life.  It is over.

I suddenly felt so light and so unburdened.  The clouds lifted internally.  

Perhaps my psyche knew this was something that needed to be unpacked and removed before I journey forward another step, hence the dream.  It forced me to stop and look at this incident in my life once again. Like all trauma, it must be seen in the light of now not just in the light of the past.

But I need to do something in order to move on.

I don't need to share the story of what happened to me.  I've tried but it feels wrong.  So I've deleted all that part of this story.  But I know that I have to share this part.

I have to forgive me.  Or at least the young woman I was then.  

I forgive the young woman who had no idea that she had a right to be protected and defended by those who didn't prove capable of either of those things.  I forgive the woman who stayed silent.  I forgive the woman who felt embarrassed, and shamed.  I forgive the woman who felt guilty because she'd been harmed.  I forgive the woman who blamed herself. I forgive the woman who believed she deserved to have horrible things happen to her.  I forgive the woman who was so unloved that she didn't recognize her right to feel secure and safe within her marriage her family, or her community.  

I release her.  She was young and vulnerable.  She had no one willing to protect her.   

I can't protect her now.  I can't change what happened to her.  I can't do anything at all for her, but I can look at her from this distance and say, "I'm sorry.  You didn't deserve it.  You didn't set the stage for it to happen.  You weren't to blame.  You shouldn't have felt shame."  

The past is over.  It's done. And maybe now, I can move freely on.

Warning: Labels

 

In life we are tagged with various labels.  And many of them are untrue, falsely applied.  

As a child I heard frequently that I was 'selfish', 'lazy', 'irresponsible', 'stupid', 'dramatic', 'hateful', 'liar'.  If I worked physically hard, I was called, 'Smart.'  

When I married and left home, I was told I was lazy and slovenly. Told that I formed acquaintances to earn favors, was a 'user' in the sense that it was supposed I used people to get what I wanted.  I was called 'careless' with money, even though I always managed very well on the limited amount of money I had.  I was told I was a bad mother.  Not a 'real' woman.  

For The Woman I'll Become

 

This morning, I waited in the car at the Dermatologist's office where John had an appointment.  It was a lovely and revelatory hour spent writing.  

At first, I was thinking about my 'retirement' which honestly wasn't much of a retirement.  It hardly felt like retirement. I rather resented anyone saying I was 'retired' since I was, at that time, working harder than I'd worked in years and years. But in September of this past year, I came to the conclusion that indeed it was time to retire.  

Things I wished I'd learned sooner

 

I was standing before the mirror the other morning, washing my face and brushing my hair.  I was thinking of the past and I found myself saying to the mirror, "I wish I'd learned that earlier."  I'd have saved myself a lot of tears and heartache had I realized they were lessons I needed to learn and not tests to fail repeatedly as I did.

1.  Being alone and being lonely are two very different things.   I learned to be alone in my childhood for many reasons, which had to do with the era and place in which I lived, and some to do with family dynamics.  I got on for the most part. Though I had brothers, we didn't often play together.  I was blessed in that I could always find something to do to pass away the hours.

Making Promises to Myself...and Keeping Them

 

• "Keeping promises isn’t just about the external benefits; it’s also deeply personal. Each time you follow through on a commitment, you’re sending yourself a powerful message: “I am capable and trustworthy.” This boosts your self-esteem significantly. It’s like building a bridge of confidence from within."  ~Leah Bayubay

When I was growing up, I'd often ask for things, as children are wont to do.  Mama didn't always say 'No' but occasionally she would say, "I'll try."  If I asked for a promise, she'd always tell me the same thing.  "I can't make a promise, Terri.  Things come up sometimes that won't allow me to keep my word.  But I will try."  Often enough, Mama provided what I'd asked for, but there were times when it simply didn't work out and I was never as disappointed as I might have been had she told she absolutely promised and then failed me.

My New Junk Journal: January So Far

 

I had such a lovely walk on January 1st.  It was cold and frosty and quiet.  As I walked on the upper part of the back yard path towards the old field road, I heard a branch or leaf in the woods next to me.  Two does emerged and ran across Sam's field across the fence.  

I walked down the field road towards my brother's drive, then turned into the wide-open field that is Sam's.  I heard something north/huff behind me.  I turned and looked and saw nothing.  Started back uphill and again heard the north/huff sound.  Again, I turned and saw nothing.  Then it happened a third time.  I realized it was a buck trying to scare me off.  "Oh, go away!  You've got hundreds of acres you can roam; you don't need this little space!"  The buck took off through the woods. 

My Room

 

I am sitting in the midst of a mess.  Open bottle of glue, scissors, paper scraps, pen, water, an open rolling cart of art supplies, printer pulled near so that I might print off pages, a ruler, a pile of trash (paper), open journals, open notebooks, my Bible...I've completely claimed one half of the dining table.

I am irritable as can be.  John is in the music room calling out to talk to me about sundry thing.  My computer is slower than molasses.  And the printer is temperamental at best.  I would like to cry, yell, fuss.  

Random Thoughts

I've been seriously lacking in the ability to take any inspired thought and write it out but I do have quite a lot of thoughts shoved in my head at the moment and so I thought I'd do what I occasionally have done over at BHJ and write a post with those random thoughts.  Perhaps once I unpack what is cluttering up my brain, I can get back to the business of actually writing cohesive posts.

In the meantime, here we go:

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I Am A Writer

 

In October, I had an idea for a book I wanted to write and self-publish, based on my experience, and I want it to be listed as Penny Ann Poundwise.  I knew it would be unlikely to turn into a best seller, but I thought it might be a help (which was always my initial reason for writing as Penny Ann) and I felt it would be a good way to get my toes wet in the self-publishing field.  

I thought about it all of November and into December as the thing I was going to start in the New Year.  I was excited about it and spent time outlining it in my head and making lists of various things I will need to learn to carry it through.  It looked daunting, true, and I knew it would require a great deal of patience with myself and the processes I would need to go through, but I was certain this was my direction for 2026.

Keeping Time

There's an island in Norway, Sommaroy, where there is no time.  No clocks. No schedules.  Just people. People who move there hang their watches on the bridge going onto the island and there they stay.  School doesn't sound starting bells.  No one lives by any schedule.  If one were up at 3am, you might well find a football game being played on the field. Life is lived as is natural to each individual.  You sleep when you are tired.  You wake when you naturally awaken.  You eat meals at whatever hour you feel hungry...

Honestly at the moment I heard about this island, I was in a great hurry to get ready to take the grandchildren out for a special day.  I was running a little later than I'd planned...It was ironic that I heard of the place when I did.  I stopped what I was doing for a moment and seriously contemplated a life in which time had no presence.

Gentle January

 

On the day before New Year's Eve, I went to bed with my mind teeming with plans for the next day.  I wanted to clear off the patio, a goal that's been on my list for all of Fall and now into the beginning of Winter.  I wanted to hang the pictures I had framed and matted for the kitchen in October, and the plates and platters I brought in from the shed at the beginning of December, too.

I needed to go into town to run errands, to mop the rest of the house (did the kitchen that day), and many more tasks.

When I woke on New Year's Eve, I had a headache.  My foot ached.