The Last Thing I Can Give

 

Isn't it ironic that in a month (October is when I'm writing) when everyone wants to watch scary movies and read scary books and dress up as scary things, I should find myself caught in fear, and deal with the things that have haunted me repeatedly all through my adult life?  And yet, I hope I have found some resolve in all of this.  

We'll begin in mid-October.  Still struggling with grief over John, missing (and happily) the first trip planned for this month, being hit by too many things that wanted to go wrong, needed decisions, required money and time I'd hoped to use to travel to Florida at the end of October, overwhelm at the workload I saw growing and growing here at home which seriously does need to be attended to, feeling alone and weary, and then something came along that threw me into a headlock, battered me hard and refused to let go.

Deeply Honest: Truths I Have Learned in October

I had enough this week.  Enough of so many things that I literally shook with emotion: anger, hurt, fear and more.  But I also searched my heart and soul and considered much. 

Blood family issues occurred. (Oddly, I seldom use that designation for my children.  For them, I simply say 'family'.  Blood family designates my last two birth family members.)  Dynamics between all three of us got ugly.  I played my part in it too so don't for one moment think I'm a mere victim here as much as I'd love to paint myself in the better light.  

But Not Yet...

 

One of my fondest memories of past autumns and winters are of Katie as a little girl.  She never cared for the heat of the sun, but the moment the air started to cool, she became an outdoor girl.  And she'd linger every evening for as long as she could.

I'd be working in the kitchen and as the dark gathered in my windows, I'd go to the door and call out to her, "Katie!  It's getting dark, come on in now."  And inevitably, Katie would call to me, "But not yet, Mommy.  Not yet.  It's not really dark yet, it just looks dark from inside.  Come out and see..." 

The Least of Losses

I was watching a vlog and the woman speaking was telling of another major life change she was experiencing, just one of many such changes she'd experienced over the past 3 years.  She is giving up a home where she's lived and worked and which she has renovated into a space that was absolutely beautiful.  Viewers had remarked, more than once, when she first mentioned the possibility of a move, that they hated to see her give up her home.  

In the post I was watching, she spoke frankly to all of her viewers.  "This...," she said, gesturing all around her beautiful room, "...this is the very least of all the losses I've faced over the past three years.  This is nothing to cry over.  I've used my tears for bigger things."

Now there's a bit of wisdom for you.

Thank You Notes for Long Ago Lessons

 

After the episode in late August where I had a near encounter with a long past attraction, it took me a little while to overcome my fear and begin to see what I gained from that period in my life.  

Eventually that led me to look even deeper into my past at other men I had known and to see them not only as they truly were, but what they taught me.  And so, I find myself today writing long overdue Thank you notes to those men from my past who helped me become the woman who finally recognized true love.

Yes/No

I mentioned several months ago that I'd stumbled upon a woman on Instagram, Shahar who talked a lot of sense about women, especially women our age, who have allowed themselves to become invisible, who are tired and used up and weary.  Women who are still saying "Yes" when what they long to say is "No."

This week's Unfiltered Newsletter was in my inbox on Monday.  I'd just come home from a morning out that I'd dreaded with every fiber of my being, to the point that my stomach had twisted in knots and my head ached and I felt at any moment I was going to be truly ill.  I had said "Yes" when what I really wanted to say was, "No."  

October Plans, Promises, and Hopes

 

I made my promises in September for Fall, but I thought I'd let you know what's on my list for October.  It only feels right I should have a few plans, especially since November's calendar is quickly filling with appointments and must do items.  It' looking as though October may be my last 'free' month until December or possibly next year!

Practically Speaking

After six months sorting and sifting through all the possibilities and grief, I've come down to something that is more practical and sensible and yet touches on my dreams and ambitions rather nicely.  It took a while to get here, to first let the dreams and visions soar and then to bring it back down to what I really want.

I have learned enough to know that it's not always what we dream of that we really want.  It's often and most often at that, a compromise that lands us somewhere further down on the mountain rather than dwelling on a stark and uncompromising peak yet within good hiking distance of the peak if we ever hunger for that higher level.   However, most of us are more comfortable somewhere in between, which requires less effort, but has equally as stunning, albeit safer, views.

Little Lies Rob My Dreams

I found myself the other day lamenting what I cannot do...

I told myself that it was just a passing season, that it wasn't my fault, that it couldn't be helped, that this was just the way life is...

Lies.  These are lies.

Things That We Bump Into

 

In the midst of my resting period, I stumbled into an unexpected web from the past.  As sticky and persistently clinging as any damp spider web can be, I found myself forever trying to extricate my thoughts and feelings from the tangled mess I'd wandered into quite by accident.

It began, as things of this sort do, quite innocently.  I was wandering about doing a routine errand when I heard a page go out and the person requested had the same name as someone from my far away past, back when I was restless and seeking and quite honestly far more beautiful and reckless than I shall ever be again.  Really, it was nothing to go into a tither over and yet, I did.  I spun right around into that web and found myself confused and frustrated on so many scores as I attempted to free my thoughts and emotions.  

One Day...

 

One day...

You're going to wake up and know

How strong you are.