Yes/No

I mentioned several months ago that I'd stumbled upon a woman on Instagram, Shahar who talked a lot of sense about women, especially women our age, who have allowed themselves to become invisible, who are tired and used up and weary.  Women who are still saying "Yes" when what they long to say is "No."

This week's Unfiltered Newsletter was in my inbox on Monday.  I'd just come home from a morning out that I'd dreaded with every fiber of my being, to the point that my stomach had twisted in knots and my head ached and I felt at any moment I was going to be truly ill.  I had said "Yes" when what I really wanted to say was, "No."  

And when I finally wandered back home again, wanting nothing in this world, except to kick off my shoes, sit down in my chair and sigh deeply for the waste of the day behind me, I found the newsletter in my Inbox and read this:

It took me a long time to understand that every yes costs something.

Not always in a bad way. Some things are absolutely worth saying yes to. But your time has to come from somewhere. Your energy has to come from somewhere.

If you say yes to spending Saturday doing something you don't want to do, you've also said no to whatever you might have done with that Saturday instead.

That's the part I wasn't paying attention to.

For years, I thought building a better life meant adding things. Do more. Try something new. Make the plan. Find the time.

I'm starting to think subtraction matters just as much. ~ From Shahar, Unfiltered Newsletter #16

(I've included links to both the Instagram and the sign-up for the newsletter in case any of you are interested.)

As Shahar mentioned in the newsletter this week and has said many times before.  It's okay to say, "No."  No explanation needed, just one word, spelled N-O.  We don't owe anyone an excuse, an explanation.  

It's true that a few people in our lives might well be put out with us for saying, "No" especially when we have consistently, obstinately and far too often said "Yes" no matter how we felt, what we really wanted to do, where we needed to be, however inconvenienced we might be.  We have said "Yes" to win approval.  Sometimes we give up something we can never get back: an opportunity, a dream, a moment to nurture another relationship, or rest we desperately need.  We give up health and time and money.  All because we want to win the approval of just that one person.  A person who may not be family or a friend, who truly has no real impact on our life other than serving as a distraction from all the things we wish we'd said "Yes" to instead.

"No" is not hard to say.  Most babies manage to parrot it back at us from their earliest talking experience.  If only we hadn't lost the ability to say such a simple word!

Now let us look at the things we tend to say "No" to.  Too often, it's something we want, desire, long for...And our reasons for saying No often comes down to not feeling we deserve whatever it is we really want.

In a roundabout sort of way, this can tie back into my post about my spending (You may replace spending with any other bad habit that 'costs' you).  Every time I don't say "No" to those few extra grocery items that I don't require or really even want, I'm saying "No" to something I would enjoy more.  A book I love and long to own.  A beautiful perennial for my yard.  A movie I would like to see in the theater.  An overnight stay in an area I've longed to go explore.  A gorgeous, larger than usual bouquet of flowers to spread around the rooms of my home.  A really lovely piece of jewelry that made my heart sing when I looked at it. A can of the most gloriously saturated paint to transform a room, or the front door. 

You name it, I've made a choice to say 'no' to many things, any one of which might have meant far more to me than food I didn't need in the first place.  

The truth is I'm tired of saying "Yes" to the things I don't want to do at all and "No" to things I do want to do.  I'm tired of explaining myself and feeling guilty.  I just want, truly, to live my life as a far happier, less anxious woman.  Because if I don't start now, then when will I?  

Even my natural optimism cannot deny that time is getting shorter and shorter. I'm not getting younger.  Like it or not there is a limited shelf life for what lies ahead.

So maybe it's time to really stop and consider what I'm about to say Yes/No to and then go full speed ahead with the answer that makes the most of the time/money I have.

Please understand, this is not meant to create anxiety about saying either Yes or No.  It's meant to make me, us, stop and think about what we're also saying No or Yes to when we do make a hasty reply rather than give ourselves a moment and really think about what we're about to say.

I learned a long time ago that when I was already tired and weary, I'd say a hasty "No" to just about everything, even if it was something that I really, really wanted to do.  I had to learn to say, "Wait.  I need to think about this.  I'll give you an answer tomorrow," or next week or whenever I knew I could be fully rested and capable of giving a sincerely meant and heartfelt reply.  I also had to learn to say "No" to those who had made it a habit to bleed me dry because their emotional needs were strained, or they were the selfish sorts, or they just weren't aware that I too was in an unhealthy emotional space.  

Just STOP before you automatically reply.  Ask yourself, "Can I make a reasonable decision just now?'  "Will doing this mean I have to give up something I'd really been looking forward to?'  "Is this how I want to spend my time/money right now?"

THINK.

Then answer thoughtfully.  From the heart.  Without explaining.  Without guilt.  And let it be.

October Plans, Promises, and Hopes

 

I made my promises in September for Fall, but I thought I'd let you know what's on my list for October.  It only feels right I should have a few plans, especially since November's calendar is quickly filling with appointments and must do items.  It' looking as though October may be my last 'free' month until December or possibly next year!

Practically Speaking

After six months sorting and sifting through all the possibilities and grief, I've come down to something that is more practical and sensible and yet touches on my dreams and ambitions rather nicely.  It took a while to get here, to first let the dreams and visions soar and then to bring it back down to what I really want.

I have learned enough to know that it's not always what we dream of that we really want.  It's often and most often at that, a compromise that lands us somewhere further down on the mountain rather than dwelling on a stark and uncompromising peak yet within good hiking distance of the peak if we ever hunger for that higher level.   However, most of us are more comfortable somewhere in between, which requires less effort, but has equally as stunning, albeit safer, views.

Little Lies Rob My Dreams

I found myself the other day lamenting what I cannot do...

I told myself that it was just a passing season, that it wasn't my fault, that it couldn't be helped, that this was just the way life is...

Lies.  These are lies.

Things That We Bump Into

 

In the midst of my resting period, I stumbled into an unexpected web from the past.  As sticky and persistently clinging as any damp spider web can be, I found myself forever trying to extricate my thoughts and feelings from the tangled mess I'd wandered into quite by accident.

It began, as things of this sort do, quite innocently.  I was wandering about doing a routine errand when I heard a page go out and the person requested had the same name as someone from my far away past, back when I was restless and seeking and quite honestly far more beautiful and reckless than I shall ever be again.  Really, it was nothing to go into a tither over and yet, I did.  I spun right around into that web and found myself confused and frustrated on so many scores as I attempted to free my thoughts and emotions.  

One Day...

 

One day...

You're going to wake up and know

How strong you are.

September - Promises for the Months Ahead

I think my time away was very beneficial.  I read a number of books.  I took a lot of naps and slept in late most mornings.  I ate decently, stayed home a lot, marathon viewed my way through several new to me vlogs and tv series, watched movies and journaled.  

Along about the fourth week of August, I woke with a tingling anticipation for the months ahead.  A little restless, a little ambitious, a little anticipatory for autumn.  I even planned my very first trip, which I'll be taking with family to another state that is NOT Florida, and then I began setting my plans in motion for a trip to St. Augustine.

This Too is What Grief Looks Like

 

I know I've said it before, but July ended up being a difficult month.  Not a hard month particularly, but minor illness, sciatica, a week of being sad, a month more or less of not feeling well overall, heat...You name it and it pretty much knocked me off kilter.  And it's left me feeling I am out of place somehow.

For one thing, school has started.  Every year I've gotten excited about a 'new year' when school began.  This year, I feel terribly blasé.  And honestly, I'm a little puzzled about it.

For another thing, I have several minor health issues that I've found have been terrible stumbling blocks.  I've been reluctant to make appointments that would obviously provide answers or solve issues because I don't feel well.  I've felt overwhelmed by decisions, period.  And yet, I have no good reason for not feeling well.  I'm not sick.  I just don't feel 100%.  

Can't Never Could

 

Over the last several months I've begun to say more and more often, "I can't..."  You may fill in the '...' part with whatever it is in your own life that you feel you can no longer do.  For me, it's about my health.

A year ago, at my annual visit with my former doctor's partner, my A1c was smack on the mark for diabetes.  The doctor, being the type that he was, fussed mightily, told me I'd die of a heart attack any day now and focused solely upon reprimanding me about every imaginable thing under the sun.  To be honest, it put my back up.  It also burst my confidence.  

Incarnations

 

                                                           painting by Freydoon Rassouli

I was sitting here thinking the other day, while the television was paused.  My photo gallery from Amazon began to scroll across the screen.  I looked at the backgrounds instead of just the people in the photos as each rolled by.  I was amazed at how often the decor of our home changed through the years, how different our yard looked in various stages, how much I'd changed myself in hair color, facial features, clothing styles, hairstyles, etc.

Later I was watching a vlogger who said, "If I could be reincarnated, I'd like to come back as...."  

And that's when it hit me.  Every season in life, every change of decor in our home, every job, every relationship, every life stage is essentially a form of reincarnation, a new life. We live a series of lives in a lifetime.  

Promises for August

 

I am glad I didn't make big promises for July because it got away from me.  I did get peaches, eat my peach ice cream, even managed a day or two with the children, but most of it was spent working my way through not feeling well.

One promise I didn't make, but which I added in was giving myself a week to just feel the feelings and not restrain myself in any way about them.  I have no regrets at all.

I am done with July.  Now let me think ahead to August...