Promises Made for March

 

Promises...Oh, how I struggle to keep those I make to myself!  So instead of making goals or focusing on only how I might work hard this month I am going to focus on keeping the promises I'll make for myself in March.  I am not going to lock myself into keeping every single one, but I'm going to focus on keeping as many as I can or at least making an attempt to start these things. That's my one goal for the month: make good on my own promises!

1:   I promise to neaten the back porch before pollen comes out in fullness.  It has been looking particularly bad because I'd been saving cardboard boxes for Samuel for his garden for the past 8 months.  I've offered them up, he's turned them down, and so I'm going to carry them to the dump.  That alone will help greatly.  Done

I'll straighten the shelving unit.  Done

Arrange the porch in a pleasing way, so that it invites sitting and enjoying the days ahead.  

2.  I promise to get the mess off the patio that I left last autumn. 

3.  I promise to think about how I want the porches and patio to look this year. I'm not going to decorate just yet.  I may gather a few items if I come across any that please me but I'm NOT putting anything out until end of pollen season which may be in mid-April or even later.

4.  I promise to continue to work to add to my workroom area.  I need a decent desk chair.  The old chair is pretty and pretty uncomfortable!  I need a wastebasket, a pencil holder, a tray to hold paper and books.  I'm still sure I want bookcases and I'd like a worktable for crafting.  I'm finding I'm rather happy with Big Mama's old sewing machine as my writing table, so perhaps that will stay.  

My goal is to do something every month towards making this room more fully mine.  And because of that... 

5.  I promise to test the leftover paint from the kitchen walls and paint a swatch on each of the walls in my workroom so I can determine if it's going to work in my space.  I think, given the difference in light, that it will and will not look the same as the kitchen.

And if I find it's too close a match, I'm pretty sure I can have it tinted at the store to be something different without it costing me much.

6.  I promise to go on four artists dates with myself.  That's one a week.  It's not necessarily a whole day.  It can be as little as two hours. I am supposed to do it alone, though.   Ideas: go to a bookstore, wander around an antique store, shop for my workroom at a home goods store, take myself out to lunch, go choose a lovely bunch of flowers and have a fancy coffee.  Wander around downtown in Perry or up in Thomaston...I have ideas!  I just need to follow through with doing any one of them.

7.  I promise to start The Artist's Way again.  I'd meant to do it in February and I didn't.  It's something I obviously feel is important because it keeps popping up in my mind.  No more procrastination.  I have more to learn about myself in relation to my craft(s) and if I start now, I can finish the course by summer.  Started!

8.  I promise to work out a routine of self-care that is doable and make it a priority.  Shaving, tweezing, moisturizing, and a proper haircut (no more cut-rate place).

9.  I promise to have a good session in my closet using what I have to make up new outfits.  I am continuing to make good on my promise to buy nothing new except underthings and shoes.

10.  I promise to rest when I am truly tired.  Nothing is so important that I can't take half an hour to lie down and relax my body.

11.  I promise to write a few minutes every day without fail.  A paragraph here, an idea thrown onto paper there, will eventually evolve into something worthwhile.  A blank page rarely does.

12.  I promise to seriously evaluate the supplements I take, the food I'm eating and the amount that I'm moving my body.  

13.  I promise to pay off one credit card and make a substantial payment on the last card balance.  I'd hoped to be further along, but we've had medical bills here at the start of the New Year.  I'm very pleased with the progress I've made thus far though, and I'm breathing on that second card balance I'm so close.  

14.  I promise to read every day.  If it's only 20 minutes before bed, that's okay.  

15.  I promise to finish the first draft of my book.   Of course, this is tied into promise #11, but I do find I work well with a deadline. 

The "Real" Authentic Life

 

Recently, a friend who has been encouraging me triggered a load of emotion: angst, anger, and shame.  Did he set out to do any of those things?  Not at all.  He merely asked a simple question, meant to be an encouragement, a gentle shove to what he perceives is the next natural step with my writing.  And it IS the next step, but I've been hesitating for too long on the brink. 

I resented the question mightily.  And that forced me to stop and examine a whole load of stuff I've been shoving into the dark closets to be dealt with later...sort of like that pile of mending and ironing I haven't attended to that is growing into a ridiculous sized pile.

The Mean Girl

 

I wrote last month about the Inner Critic, whom I called I.C.  Karla commented on the post and stopped me in my tracks.  "The Mean Girl" she called I.C.  And I knew from the chills that ran up my arm she had absolutely named exactly who that critic was.

Me.  I'm the Mean Girl.

Random Thoughts: Taking Care of Myself

 

I'm tired.  We're just coming off a long weekend and a busy start to this week.  Today was our first 'down' day.  And so of course, I've spent the entirety of the day trying to catch up on household things, and do a bit of writing, and make sure I get supper well started because I have kids to keep this afternoon and I've fretted over a half dozen jobs that need to be seen to seemingly right away but I'm not getting to at all.

I've been rushing myself all afternoon long, and I'd been sitting here writing and I thought, "Oh golly, this is too much.... Oh gosh, this doesn't sound good at all...Oh goodness why can't I make sense of anything?"   And when I paused for a moment, I realized, I am tired.  I could happily close my eyes and take a nap sort of weary.  I've done too many 'should' tasks today, this week thus far and I'd not considered that I was too weary when the day started.  I'd fallen into bed last night and gone right to sleep and had to push myself to get out of bed at all this morning.

A Passing Grief

 

This afternoon we were coming home from errands and passed a familiar landmark.  John commented that something there had changed. We discussed that change briefly.   As we spoke, I recalled how often we formerly drove out that way.   I asked why it had been that we used to drive by there so frequently and John told me. 

 It was a different season of life for us.  It had been part of an evening routine to take an evening drive, turn around and come home.  Just a small thing but deeply important to a very anxious little boy who needed routines to ground him.  That late afternoon/early evening drive was part of his evening routine, part of getting him ready to settle down each night.

I looked out across a field, one that was as familiar to me as my own landscape here on this property because I'd viewed it so often.  I said softly, "Oh yes...that season felt like it would last forever, but it didn't, did it?"  

I Forgive Her

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Last night I dreamed of something hard.  I woke tense with a heavy cloud hanging over me that had nothing at all to do with the rainy wintry day outside.  I carried the heaviness with me into the kitchen to get coffee. I sat with it as I sipped from my cup and made our breakfast.  I walked with it as I did the few chores I needed to do.

Warning: Labels

 

In life we are tagged with various labels.  And many of them are untrue, falsely applied.  

As a child I heard frequently that I was 'selfish', 'lazy', 'irresponsible', 'stupid', 'dramatic', 'hateful', 'a liar'.  If I worked physically hard, I was called, 'Smart.'  

When I married and left home, I was told I was lazy and slovenly. Told that I formed acquaintances to earn favors, was a 'user' in the sense that it was supposed I used people to get what I wanted.  I was called 'careless' with money, even though I always managed very well on the limited amount of money I had.  I was told I was a bad mother.  Not a 'real' woman.  

For The Woman I'll Become

 

This morning, I waited in the car at the Dermatologist's office where John had an appointment.  It was a lovely and revelatory hour spent writing.  

At first, I was thinking about my 'retirement' which honestly wasn't much of a retirement.  It hardly felt like retirement. I rather resented anyone saying I was 'retired' since I was, at that time, working harder than I'd worked in years and years. But in September of this past year, I came to the conclusion that indeed it was time to retire.  

Things I wished I'd learned sooner

 

I was standing before the mirror the other morning, washing my face and brushing my hair.  I was thinking of the past and I found myself saying to the mirror, "I wish I'd learned that earlier."  I'd have saved myself a lot of tears and heartache had I realized they were lessons I needed to learn and not tests to fail repeatedly as I did.

1.  Being alone and being lonely are two very different things.   I learned to be alone in my childhood for many reasons, which had to do with the era and place in which I lived, and some to do with family dynamics.  I got on for the most part. Though I had brothers, we didn't often play together.  I was blessed in that I could always find something to do to pass away the hours.

Making Promises to Myself...and Keeping Them

 

• "Keeping promises isn’t just about the external benefits; it’s also deeply personal. Each time you follow through on a commitment, you’re sending yourself a powerful message: “I am capable and trustworthy.” This boosts your self-esteem significantly. It’s like building a bridge of confidence from within."  ~Leah Bayubay

When I was growing up, I'd often ask for things, as children are wont to do.  Mama didn't always say 'No' but occasionally she would say, "I'll try."  If I asked for a promise, she'd always tell me the same thing.  "I can't make a promise, Terri.  Things come up sometimes that won't allow me to keep my word.  But I will try."  Often enough, Mama provided what I'd asked for, but there were times when it simply didn't work out and I was never as disappointed as I might have been had she told she absolutely promised and then failed me.

My New Junk Journal: January So Far

 

I had such a lovely walk on January 1st.  It was cold and frosty and quiet.  As I walked on the upper part of the back yard path towards the old field road, I heard a branch or leaf in the woods next to me.  Two does emerged and ran across Sam's field across the fence.  

I walked down the field road towards my brother's drive, then turned into the wide-open field that is Sam's.  I heard something north/huff behind me.  I turned and looked and saw nothing.  Started back uphill and again heard the north/huff sound.  Again, I turned and saw nothing.  Then it happened a third time.  I realized it was a buck trying to scare me off.  "Oh, go away!  You've got hundreds of acres you can roam; you don't need this little space!"  The buck took off through the woods.