For The Woman I'll Become

 

This morning, I waited in the car at the Dermatologist's office where John had an appointment.  It was a lovely and revelatory hour spent writing.  

At first, I was thinking about my 'retirement' which honestly wasn't much of a retirement.  It hardly felt like retirement. I rather resented anyone saying I was 'retired' since I was, at that time, working harder than I'd worked in years and years. But in September of this past year, I came to the conclusion that indeed it was time to retire.  

But what does it mean to retire?   Do you just quit doing everything you've been doing and start having fun, traveling and playing as you feel like it?  Well, you don't.  Do you stop working, putting away all responsibilities?  No, you don't, at least not in the way you think you will.  Meals need to be made, clothes need to be washed, groceries must be bought, bills come due, you may still end up caring for a parent, spouse, grandchild, or family member...All the usual responsibilities are still there.  That is just part of living.  

But in September, I consciously made some decisions about what retirement should look like for myself.  

I decided to retire from carrying heavy responsibilities all on my own.  To retire from worrying about how others would manage life without my input.  I retired from thinking I had to work all of the time.  I retired from carrying dreams that are not going to come to fruition.  And from long-term plans for what I will accomplish in life.  I retired from raking up the past with its myriad regrets and recriminations and endless sorrow.

Not one of those things are a must in any life, but I'd made them part of my life for too many years.  I was ready to quit something and that seemed to me to be the most beneficial things to retire from.

I relaxed.  A lot.  I learned how to add things I enjoyed into my life.  I felt I'd had no room for play and time to just sit with who I've become and who I hope I will be.  I learned to make the time to do the things I was always wanting to do but too busy or too grown-up to do such as swimming, walking about the property, watching a movie, sitting on the porch and gazing at the day...

As I sat soaking up the sun on this chilly morning, I realized with another birthday looming that at most I've likely got 30 years of life left before me.  There is no guarantee I've that much or even the next hour, I know.  But being optimistic as I am, I'll possibly have 30 years.    

I saw my life as a pie chart, divided into thirds.  For the majority of the first third of life, I was depressed and miserable, full of unmet longings and unrealized dream.  For the second third, I've been with John.  Frankly this last 30 years feels like no time at all.  But it too has been full of things.  We experienced some really tough places during our time together, heartbreaking times for our children, struggles with finances, a season of life where I carried the burdens of three households and then a season of life where time turned back and we were actively raising a child, albeit with his Mama's help, but we were the caregivers.  There were marriages and divorces, deaths and births, illnesses and injuries to be worked through and all the sorts of things most every life produces.

Well, that was the first and second portions of my life chart.  I thought about what I want the last third of my life to look like.

This is it, the Grand Finale so to speak, the last portion of days on this earth. 

So, for the woman I shall become, I choose these things:

I choose the creative side of life. I choose to play.  I choose to read and write.  To travel where I can, as I can.  I choose to be grateful for what comes my way.  I choose to stop longing for the things that can't be and the doors that just would not open.   I choose to stop worrying about money.  Heavens!  I've not one penny to show for all the years of worry behind me.  I choose to buy the flowers every other week. There's nourishment for the soul and there's nourishment for the body and you can't starve either one.

I choose the appreciation of each now as I'm given it.  I choose slowing down and allowing life to flow easily.  I choose time with family.  I choose to face challenges with a smile and deep pray rather than gnashing of teeth, wailing and dropping into a fetal position.  

I choose letting go of the regrets and letting them lie where they are, making the journey ahead lighter and happier.  I choose to stop thinking the past will change with any further recitations of all its hurts. The past has done me all the harm it can.  It has also done me all the good it can.  It made me who I am.  It's of no more use to me now.  It was what it was.  It too can lie right there and be left behind.

I choose to accept family time as I can have it.  Now the grandchildren have time in their lives for me and I for them.  Quite possibly I'll see the day when my children begin to slow down and have time for me as their children move into their own busy phase of life.  

I choose to spend time enjoying the natural world about me and thanking God at the beginning and end of every single day.  

I choose slow mornings with coffee, talking with John, and quietly appreciating my life before I start to do a thing more.  I choose to to watch the sunrise and the sunset every day that I can.

I choose no matter how difficult things get, to remember that my now is not my forever and always.  It's just one more segment of time to be lived.  Period.  

I choose to speak love, and to speak truth when it's necessary but never without love and prayer first.  I choose to remember that my wisdom is not the greater wisdom.    I choose to be quiet and wait. I choose to listen before I speak. I choose not to offer advice that isn't asked for.  I choose to offer the comfort of a hug when words are of no use.

I am well aware that many things I haven't planned will happen.  There will be losses and hurts.  There will be joys and sorrows.  There will a lot of life lived...That's the way it ought to be.  But I can try to choose who I am through it all.

At the end, before I slip away, I want to look backwards and see this last part of life and nod with satisfaction.  

The rest doesn't matter.  Not at all.  Very little of what we think is important actually is.  

And I find that thought something I can lean back into and get very comfortable with.  

Things I wished I'd learned sooner

 

I was standing before the mirror the other morning, washing my face and brushing my hair.  I was thinking of the past and I found myself saying to the mirror, "I wish I'd learned that earlier."  I'd have saved myself a lot of tears and heartache had I realized they were lessons I needed to learn and not tests to fail repeatedly as I did.

1.  Being alone and being lonely are two very different things.   I learned to be alone in my childhood for many reasons, which had to do with the era and place in which I lived, and some to do with family dynamics.  I got on for the most part. Though I had brothers, we didn't often play together.  I was blessed in that I could always find something to do to pass away the hours.

Making Promises to Myself...and Keeping Them

 

• "Keeping promises isn’t just about the external benefits; it’s also deeply personal. Each time you follow through on a commitment, you’re sending yourself a powerful message: “I am capable and trustworthy.” This boosts your self-esteem significantly. It’s like building a bridge of confidence from within."  ~Leah Bayubay

When I was growing up, I'd often ask for things, as children are wont to do.  Mama didn't always say 'No' but occasionally she would say, "I'll try."  If I asked for a promise, she'd always tell me the same thing.  "I can't make a promise, Terri.  Things come up sometimes that won't allow me to keep my word.  But I will try."  Often enough, Mama provided what I'd asked for, but there were times when it simply didn't work out and I was never as disappointed as I might have been had she told she absolutely promised and then failed me.

My New Junk Journal: January So Far

 

I had such a lovely walk on January 1st.  It was cold and frosty and quiet.  As I walked on the upper part of the back yard path towards the old field road, I heard a branch or leaf in the woods next to me.  Two does emerged and ran across Sam's field across the fence.  

I walked down the field road towards my brother's drive, then turned into the wide-open field that is Sam's.  I heard something north/huff behind me.  I turned and looked and saw nothing.  Started back uphill and again heard the north/huff sound.  Again, I turned and saw nothing.  Then it happened a third time.  I realized it was a buck trying to scare me off.  "Oh, go away!  You've got hundreds of acres you can roam; you don't need this little space!"  The buck took off through the woods. 

My Room

 

I am sitting in the midst of a mess.  Open bottle of glue, scissors, paper scraps, pen, water, an open rolling cart of art supplies, printer pulled near so that I might print off pages, a ruler, a pile of trash (paper), open journals, open notebooks, my Bible...I've completely claimed one half of the dining table.

I am irritable as can be.  John is in the music room calling out to talk to me about sundry thing.  My computer is slower than molasses.  And the printer is temperamental at best.  I would like to cry, yell, fuss.  

Random Thoughts

I've been seriously lacking in the ability to take any inspired thought and write it out but I do have quite a lot of thoughts shoved in my head at the moment and so I thought I'd do what I occasionally have done over at BHJ and write a post with those random thoughts.  Perhaps once I unpack what is cluttering up my brain, I can get back to the business of actually writing cohesive posts.

In the meantime, here we go:

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I Am A Writer

 

In October, I had an idea for a book I wanted to write and self-publish, based on my experience, and I want it to be listed as Penny Ann Poundwise.  I knew it would be unlikely to turn into a best seller, but I thought it might be a help (which was always my initial reason for writing as Penny Ann) and I felt it would be a good way to get my toes wet in the self-publishing field.  

I thought about it all of November and into December as the thing I was going to start in the New Year.  I was excited about it and spent time outlining it in my head and making lists of various things I will need to learn to carry it through.  It looked daunting, true, and I knew it would require a great deal of patience with myself and the processes I would need to go through, but I was certain this was my direction for 2026.

Keeping Time

There's an island in Norway, Sommaroy, where there is no time.  No clocks. No schedules.  Just people. People who move there hang their watches on the bridge going onto the island and there they stay.  School doesn't sound starting bells.  No one lives by any schedule.  If one were up at 3am, you might well find a football game being played on the field. Life is lived as is natural to each individual.  You sleep when you are tired.  You wake when you naturally awaken.  You eat meals at whatever hour you feel hungry...

Honestly at the moment I heard about this island, I was in a great hurry to get ready to take the grandchildren out for a special day.  I was running a little later than I'd planned...It was ironic that I heard of the place when I did.  I stopped what I was doing for a moment and seriously contemplated a life in which time had no presence.

Gentle January

 

On the day before New Year's Eve, I went to bed with my mind teeming with plans for the next day.  I wanted to clear off the patio, a goal that's been on my list for all of Fall and now into the beginning of Winter.  I wanted to hang the pictures I had framed and matted for the kitchen in October, and the plates and platters I brought in from the shed at the beginning of December, too.

I needed to go into town to run errands, to mop the rest of the house (did the kitchen that day), and many more tasks.

When I woke on New Year's Eve, I had a headache.  My foot ached.  

January Bliss

I will be transparent and tell you that since I've been doing these posts about the little pleasures, I plan to indulge in each month I don't always get around to each one...but I do hit upon enough of them that I feel it's worthwhile continuing to plan each month I'm in.  My lists keep me mindful that I have things to be enjoyed in each month and sometimes only in that particular month.  

I've written my list of resolutions which are all personal goals this year.  I'm not planning projects or to push myself much in any direction except in personal growth, improved health, and spiritual growth.  They are about the same sorts of resolutions the average woman might make so I won't bore you with mine.

Reading 

However, one thing I did say towards the end of the year that I wished to do in 2026 is to re-read the books and stories that impacted my childhood (and early adult) years.  For Christmas, I chose to read the Fairy Tale, "The Little Fir Tree".  

I recall sobbing over that story as a girl.  I'll tell you now that as I read it, I wasn't moved to tears, but I could see the wisdom in it.  That little tree was always rushing things along, spending all of its days regretting the season of life in which it was and wishing for something more, almost always disappointed in his now, right until the day it realized that his life was over and done.  

For this month, I have pulled An Old-Fashioned Girl by Louisa May Alcott, and Five Little Peppers and How They Grew by Margaret Sidney.  I thought I'd commit myself to just the two books, although I've quite a few more on hand which I might read but perhaps I'll want to read other books, as well.  So, I'm starting with just those two.

I'll add any other books I choose to take up to individual posts throughout the month.

I also plan to read through the Bible.  I'm not going to make this big push to read it through in a year.  I've done that many times over.  What I do want to do starting this month is to read a little Old Testament, a little Psalms, a little New Testament each day and sort of just absorb what I'm reading.  It's not about chapters but about verses or paragraphs and sitting with them for a full day before I move on.  

Coffee of the Month

While I very much enjoyed the Gingerbread coffee of November, my December coffee blend just didn't cut it.  I tried a second creamer mixture, and it didn't do much for me either so I reverted back to plain half and half.

I have mixed up a special coffee creamer for January.  I found it online on Christmas Eve and went right ahead and gave it a try.  The recipe is as follows:

Peppermint Creamer

2 cups half and half (or 1 cup cream and 1 cup whole milk)

1/2 teaspoon pure peppermint extract

2 teaspoons powdered cocoa

3 tablespoons Maple syrup

Mix well and store in a covered container in the refrigerator.  

I use about 3 Tablespoons per 8-ounce cup of coffee

The original recipe called for half the amount of peppermint.  I didn't find it to be quite enough, so I doubled it.  It is not a strong peppermint flavor but there is a certain coolness I recognize as being minty in the creamer.  

The original recipe called for 2 tablespoons of cocoa.  It might seem the amount of cocoa I used is not quite enough, but I assure you for me it is just perfect.  I'm no fan of mocha anything.  You'd think I would be since I love both coffee and chocolate, but Mocha just is not my favorite.  The smaller amount of cocoa adds a depth and richness to the flavor of the creamer that suits me.  

Winter Music:

Any relaxing jazz music suits me quite well this month.  Slow paced, peaceful, lovely clear notes.  I like this mix and the ambience of this playlist here.

Winter Pleasures

On cold but sunny days, we've made it our habit for the last few years to put chairs on the sunny end of the back porch and simply sit in the sun.  Even if it's windy and we must wrap in blankets, we'll sit facing the sun, absorbing it, for at least 20 minutes each afternoon.  It's amazing how well that works at lifting the mood and how much better we sleep if we have that bit of fresh air and sunshine daily.

In December, I found myself making less soup.  And then one night we had a lovely slow roasted pot roast, and I filled a bowl with that rich broth from the pan and felt so comforted and so nourished that I wondered why on earth I'd stopped making soup in this season.

I'm going to resume my soup making.  One of the issues I run into is that most recipes make a huge pot.  While I don't mind freezing soup, it does mean that I'm limited by how much I can fit into the freezer at any point.  This month I'm going to make Brunswick Stew which is a longtime favorite of mine.  I generally end up sharing this stew with Katie and Sam's households.  I also want to make a pot of black bean soup.  The one at Ina Garten's site looks really good to me.  And I think a creamy potato soup is pretty hard to beat if it's frigid outdoors.  I like to make a smaller pot of this, just enough for the one meal, and serve it with a sandwich, either a toasty Reuben or a Sloppy Joe.

This being the month that we are fresh out of a sweet laden Christmas season, I don't have plans to do any baking of cookies or cake or pies.  Besides we're running right into February which is laden with birthdays and cakes.  We can nibble on leftovers from our Christmas treats if we're desperate for a bite of sweets.  This month is heavy with a variety of citrus fruits to enjoy, and I do love oranges, mandarins, tangerines, lemons and grapefruits.  Honestly, citrus is my second love after summer peaches.

Over Christmas I started saving apple peels and drying them, as well as citrus peels which I mixed with cinnamon sticks and cloves and allspice to make a potpourri which added a lovely natural aroma to the house.  I thought for January I'd mix rosemary and cedar with that potpourri to make simmer pots to use throughout the month, especially if we have to run the heater.  

I'm going to look for something to snuggle under when I'm watching tv or reading or playing about on the computer.  Back when John was working, I made him an extra heavy fleece blanket to throw over him when he was sleeping at work, since the place came equipped with the hospital issue sheets and blankets (not nearly warm enough!).  He's kept it all these years and pulls it out every winter.  I, on the other hand, have never found a throw that works for me.  I've been trying to use what I have which are either too heavy and bulky or too flimsy.  I'm sure if I were to actually look, I might find something that has the softness and lightweight warmth that is perfect for me.  

I'm going to purchase some pansies and flowering kale, plant some parsley and cilantro and possibly snapdragons in a couple of my larger flowerpots.  They do well as winter plants for us in this area and if it does freeze it seldom is cold enough long enough to kill them.  The amount of pleasure I get from seeing those happy little flowers is worth every penny.

I'm also planning a trip to Lowe's (here at the end of December) where I will purchase reduced price Amaryllis bulb kits.  They usually will bloom about mid-February and add so much color and loveliness to my home.

And lastly, I plan to hang and fill the bird feeders.  I want to move the second feeder to hang where I can see it from the west facing windows in the living room.  I get so much pleasure watching the birds come in to feed each morning and afternoon.  

Especially this time of year, I enjoy watching sunrise and sunset.  Fortunately, sunrise occurs closer to the time I naturally awaken in the winter.  I am, however, prone to set myself a task along about sunset each day and miss it entirely.  I thought for this month, I'd mindfully set aside a half hour each evening to sit and simply watch the day close.  I find it is a lovely ritual to watch the sunset and then go about the house closing the blinds against the dark and snugging in for the evening.

That's what I plan to do to savor January...

A Glimpse at my First Junk Journal

 

It is my belief that when we are new to a craft or art, it's quite likely we will need to learn what that art form is all about.   And that the very best way to learn is to start where you are with whatever droplet of inspiration that you might have and then one must find others who are performing the same art and learn from them and what inspires them.

So, my first junk journal is a semi failure.  I didn't have a clear idea of what I was doing only a vague notion.  And while I found I had a good eye for potential materials, i.e. junk, I lack skill in executing what my vision saw.  A few pages of the Christmas journal turned out cute, some were a mess and some downright ugly.  My biggest mistake was failing to have a blank space to journal!  I can remedy that by going back and adding in pockets and then tucking embellished labels and tags and sheets into pockets and envelopes.  These fun little books are meant to be used as a true journal with photos, writings, quotes, etc., as well as a way to express an artistic point of view.