The Mean Girl

 

I wrote last month about the Inner Critic, whom I called I.C.  Karla commented on the post and stopped me in my tracks.  "The Mean Girl" she called I.C.  And I knew from the chills that ran up my arm she had absolutely named exactly who that critic was.

Me.  I'm the Mean Girl.

I will allow inner critic, aka Mean Girl to say things to me that I'd die before saying out loud to anyone else.  I am not saying I can't be critical of others.  I can.  Oh yes, I can.  Internally, silently, far too often for comfort.  Out loud, too, though I seldom intend to actually voice the criticism I might speak.  I'm afraid as a mother, we often tend to think we are doing someone 'good' by saying some of the things we do.  I'm learning, having done it the hard way, to allow my Inner Editor (aka The Nice Girl) to have reign in those moments and soften my words if they must be spoken to benefit someone else.  The Mean Girl just blurts it out without thinking and does whatever damage she might.

If we're held accountable for our every word and thought...well I've got a lot to ask forgiveness for!  

And one of the ones I need to ask to reach deep and ask forgiveness of is Myself.  Because The Mean Girl is ruthless.  Horrid.  Petty.  Intent on focusing on insecurities and tender feelings.  Determined to cut me down to size, to ask me, in a most scathing tone, "WHO do you think you are?"  

Now let me tell you something.  That Mean Girl was bad enough when I was 18, 32, even 50.  But as she's gotten older?  Mean Girl is NASTY mean.  All too keen to remind me of what I am no longer, of what I've lost, of what I cannot be.  She says, "You're too fat, too old, too unattractive, too far along in life, too old, too silly.  You're just a dreamer and you've missed all your chances to be anything worthwhile.  You're just a homemaker, a blogger (which is NOT a writer!).  You're never going to be thin enough, smart enough, have money enough, or personality enough to be anything more than you are just now.  You are a LOSER, baby..."

I just heard Beck singing "I'm a loser baby...so why don't you kill me...".  My kids listened to that song, which was popular when they were in school.  But it made me stop for a moment and wonder: How much does the Inner Critic, the Mean Girl, the Mean Guy, have to do with depression and suicide?  Because honestly, this girl ain't saying nothing new.  She's saying nearly all the things I heard in my head my whole life.

I had to go look that up. An overactive inner critic can significantly increase depression and suicide.  There is such a thing as a 'healthy' dose of self-criticism and an unhealthy one.  Sort of like that fine line between love and hate.

Obviously, I need a good daily dose of positive affirmations to counter those negatives.  Self-encouragement can work as well as self-judgement.

So, here are a few affirmations for me to read next time that Mean Girl wants to get too loud:

I am not too OLD and it's NOT too late.

I am KIND to myself.

I am a writer.

I am smart and willing to learn more in order to be smarter.

I do my BEST.  

And most of all, I want to say "SHUT UP!" when that mean girl gets to be too much.