And Then...I Remember What I Know

 

Things were going so well.  I've been riding on the wave of my newfound confidence and joy.  I've made a good start on losing weight.  I am adding good things back into my life.  I have been filled with a sense of abundance instead of the fear and worry I tend to lean on when it comes to finances.  I felt I was writing better.  I was enjoying my (admittedly feeble) artistic attempts.

And then it started.    

A photo someone took made me feel I wanted to never show my face again. Why doesn't the 25 pounds I've lost show?  I looked heavy, old and had resting bitch face. Groan and groan again!  It was posted on a public page, too, that is distributed to about 2500 people...  And all of the faults I see were clearly visible despite the photo being slightly blurred.

And this woman, who looks like this, is planning to go swimming at a public pool...  Dares to feel she's a bit of life left in her.  Oh my.

A bill that was supposed to be reduced came in at the regular rate and then failed to autopay.  I've no idea why.  The money was available; the information was there.  Obviously, an error occurred on the part of the billing company, but can I convince them of it?  Just to add insult to injury, I incurred a late fee on top of the unexpected higher fee.  Another bill came in at double the amount we were told we'd pay.  A phone call to the company informed me that we have to pay TWO months fees for the first month of service. And she added that the bill would only be at the lower rate until December at which time I'd have to pay 'regular prices'...That wasn't discussed prior to sign-up, either.  If only I'd known ahead of time so I could have planned for it. My budget squawked.

There was an argument had over money, too.  Guilt, fear, shame all those old nasty feelings came rushing back.  That sense of abundance from a week ago packed up and left!

My plants are dying, even the super hearty ones. My green thumb has apparently turned black.  I haven't been able to get but one plant to grow since spring of this year.

Every study I was in the midst of is cast aside.  I can't concentrate well enough to read much less make notes.  I feel like a total idiot each time I take up a book to try to work at any of it.

Inspiration has dried up.  It's a desert.  I can't write, I can't research, I can't draw, I can't craft, I can't color.   Why on earth did I ever think I could?!

I feel all of my energy flushing away down the toilet of life.  

I have failed at everything.  All I want to do is hide.  

This is a test, this is a test, this is a test, this is a test, this is a test.  

It happens every single time I am on the cusp of doing something more, something new, something that has me shaking in fear and excited anticipation. I have Deja vu.  I recognize this place all too well.  Insecurity, having failed to hold me back from reclaiming lost joys and newfound confidences, has called to the furies and shouted, "Stop her!"  And darned if it doesn't feel like the furies were listening.

I can stay in my old place where it's safe and do as I always do.  I can wander through my life half bored, always aware that I've settled for less, or I can trust the instinct that said, "You need to do this new thing. You need to stretch your wings and try something more."  That's what I'd have done in the past.

This is not the old me.  This is not the woman without a hope, a dream, ambition, thinking life was nearly done. This is not the woman who had given up, forgotten who she was. This is not the woman who ignores the things that define her and buries them deeper.  That woman is gone.  

This woman will show up tomorrow and continue following a reasonable eating plan because I know that losing weight will benefit my health.  (It may not do much for resting bitch face, but there you are, we change what we can and live with the rest.)    

I will go swimming on vacation (barring rain).  Swimming isn't about how I look.  It's about what I like to do for fun.  It's something I enjoy that will make me feel good about myself. 

I know that money ebbs and flows. Right now, it's ebbing.  It will start to flow once more.  That tide always turns.  The bills will get sorted out and so will the payment method. 

I know that at some point over the last 30 years of marriage the very same argument over money has occurred at least 30 times.  I'll lay odds if we stay married another 20-30 years, we'll have this same argument at least 20-30 more times (oh joy!), too.  

I know that the dying plants outdoors are as much a product of a warmer and drier than usual fall as it has been a lack of proper attention.  I can't change the weather, but I can do my part better.  As for the yellowing houseplants...worse come, I can always start over with new plants!  Research tells me that the average lifespan of an African Violet is five years, and I can say that mine are easily that age or older.  

I will take up the studies once more, but I'll admit I've gotten overwhelmed and take them one at a time instead of trying to do four at once.  My enthusiasm often leads me to burn out.  I can go at a more moderate pace.  

I know that the time to look for inspiration is not when I'm fresh off a weekend that has been super busy nor at the end of a long day of work or fresh out of an argument, or when I've been overwhelmed with a worrisome bit of news.  Inspiration never shows itself if I'm stressed. 

I know that play isn't meant to be work. It's meant to be fun, restorative, inspiring.  I need to stop going at play time as though it were a race to see how quickly I can get through it and how much I can wring out of it.   

I believe that work can be fun, and satisfying, too, but I know play can only be satisfying if I don't turn it into work.   I know that if I remember to keep work and play balanced, I'll start to hear the whispers of creativity all over again.

My late father-in-law used to say, "Things will all look different in the morning."  Knowing that he has always been proven right in this truism, I am going to go to bed, get a good night's sleep and see if the world hasn't turned right side up once more come morning. 

Two days later:  I wrote the above at the end of a long and busy weekend out of the house.  I went to bed early and slept until the next morning.  

That was the day we had to go over to Warner Robins to take my car in for the next round of planned work on it.   The same day we found out the work required is extensive to the point that we are praying and thinking about what we shall do: put double what the car is worth into it (we have very high mileage) or bite the bullet and start looking for a good used car with much lower mileage.  

In the meantime, we do have a second car that we have recently had maintenance and general check-up work done on it.  It's got a lot less miles than my car which has been our primary car for years now.  That maintenance work buys us the luxury of not having to make an immediate decision about another car.   

We got a doctor's bill for the cancer removal that we weren't expecting, had in fact, been told would not incur a further fee.  

Needless to say, once the money worries begin to roll, they do seem to continue to pile on.  We're possibly looking at a high-cost repair on the relatively new lawnmower.  Fortunately, we've made our last cut of the year and have a few months to sort that out, but as the saying goes, if it's not one thing it's another.  And there's far more truth in that than I care to own.

Well, let 'em roll in as they will, troubles will depart the same way they came.  

All that I wrote last weekend is as true now as it was then.  And for those of you who haven't visited the comments on my Abundant Thinking post, then please do go read them.  An anonymous reader (please do sign your name if you leave a comment so I can address you properly when I reply) left a most amazing testimony with some very wise advice.  Advice I plan to follow!

God has provided for every need. Handled every problem that has risen this year.
I just had to do two things.
Ask and get out of his way.
To stop trying to do it myself.
Because I can't.

One of my favorite winter holiday films is "White Christmas" with Bing Crosby, Vera Ellen, Danny Kaye and Rosemary Clooney among several others.  One song used as a score in the film and that I especially like is written by Irving Berlin, "Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep".   That seems an appropriate song to take for a theme song just now, and so I shall claim it.

In the meantime, we are busy counting our blessings in this household.  And we are very thankful for so many things!

Four days later:  We have been praying (aka ASKING), talking things over, and listening hard to the answers dropped into our laps.  John has 'stumbled' upon information online that has been most helpful in allowing us to add facts to our sheet of pros and cons.  And no, I don't believe they were stumbles. We asked for God's help and help is being given in wonderfully unexpected ways.  We don't believe in coincidences.

We called someone whose opinion on mechanics we trust greatly.  He has a working knowledge of mechanics as well as retail values of cars and he came to us asking some pertinent questions that helped lay out some more facts for us.  He also had a couple of additional options for us to consider that decreases the stress.  We're adding those to our catalog of facts we've been accumulating.  I feel secure that we will have our ultimate answer soon.