The Unexpected New Season: Joy

 

This weekend, the unexpected happened.  My husband, who has never been seriously ill in all of our thirty-four years together, who never needed to see a doctor for anything but routine labs, died.  

In the midst of the month when I've had big emotions, when I've written and have upcoming posts already written about big emotions, this comes into my life.  Nothing you've read prior to this and nothing you read after this for the month of March is about the most mysterious thing of all, and that is Joy.

Yesterday I was a married woman.  Today I am a widow.

John gave us so much joy the last day of his life. In 24 hours, he had been diagnosed, he knew he was dying and likely that day.  He made every one of us who were privileged to share his last day on earth the most joyous day we could have had.   We laughed. We cried.  We were given instructions and wisdom, comfort and encouragement.

And to a person, all seven of us in that room, some family, some friends, all people who loved him dearly, remarked on what this man we loved was doing for us on his final day on earth.  

In the last 25 hours, I have laughed more than I've cried.  Not because I don't miss him and won't miss him.  He was my very best friend in the world and there will be none who can replace him.  He was my love.  He was my greatest encourager and the source of the best solace on this earth.  But his last gift to me, to us, was his natural loving JOY of living, JOY at being ready to transition to the other side, JOY that people he loved dearly had come to be with him and see him off.

My husband had marked ideas of how things should be in my future.  He gave me rules to live by when he was gone.

1.  Don't grieve like your life has ended.  It hasn't.  And you know I'm in heaven.  I'll see you there.

2.  Don't be like those widowed church ladies.

3.  Don't let anyone run you over.  You're strong.  

4.  If you can, go on a trip. 

5.  For God's sake, do not move your mother into the house.

I have been a most privileged woman.  My husband looked like an ordinary man in a rather ordinary body, but he was so much more.  Hundreds of messages have come my way, phone calls, texts...That very ordinary and modest man was the most extraordinary person I have ever met.  And HE LOVED ME.  

I can only feel joy over that fact.