This Too is What Grief Looks Like

 

I know I've said it before, but July ended up being a difficult month.  Not a hard month particularly, but minor illness, sciatica, a week of being sad, a month more or less of not feeling well overall, heat...You name it and it pretty much knocked me off kilter.  And it's left me feeling I am out of place somehow.

For one thing, school has started.  Every year I've gotten excited about a 'new year' when school began.  This year, I feel terribly blasé.  And honestly, I'm a little puzzled about it.

For another thing, I have several minor health issues that I've found have been terrible stumbling blocks.  I've been reluctant to make appointments that would obviously provide answers or solve issues because I don't feel well.  I've felt overwhelmed by decisions, period.  And yet, I have no good reason for not feeling well.  I'm not sick.  I just don't feel 100%.  

Can't Never Could

 

Over the last several months I've begun to say more and more often, "I can't..."  You may fill in the '...' part with whatever it is in your own life that you feel you can no longer do.  For me, it's about my health.

A year ago, at my annual visit with my former doctor's partner, my A1c was smack on the mark for diabetes.  The doctor, being the type that he was, fussed mightily, told me I'd die of a heart attack any day now and focused solely upon reprimanding me about every imaginable thing under the sun.  To be honest, it put my back up.  It also burst my confidence.  

Incarnations

 

                                                           painting by Freydoon Rassouli

I was sitting here thinking the other day, while the television was paused.  My photo gallery from Amazon began to scroll across the screen.  I looked at the backgrounds instead of just the people in the photos as each rolled by.  I was amazed at how often the decor of our home changed through the years, how different our yard looked in various stages, how much I'd changed myself in hair color, facial features, clothing styles, hairstyles, etc.

Later I was watching a vlogger who said, "If I could be reincarnated, I'd like to come back as...."  

And that's when it hit me.  Every season in life, every change of decor in our home, every job, every relationship, every life stage is essentially a form of reincarnation, a new life. We live a series of lives in a lifetime.