Can't Never Could

 

Over the last several months I've begun to say more and more often, "I can't..."  You may fill in the '...' part with whatever it is in your own life that you feel you can no longer do.  For me, it's about my health.

A year ago, at my annual visit with my former doctor's partner, my A1c was smack on the mark for diabetes.  The doctor, being the type that he was, fussed mightily, told me I'd die of a heart attack any day now and focused solely upon reprimanding me about every imaginable thing under the sun.  To be honest, it put my back up.  It also burst my confidence.  

I was well aware that I'd gotten lax about my diet.  I was also well aware that I'd gained weight.  For whatever reason, they did not weigh me during that particular visit.  I imagine at that point I'd likely have registered about 40 pounds heavier than I did when I first started seeing Dr. Dean in 2015.  I was taking only Metformin and a handful of supplements.  

This good doctor (and he is a good one though I didn't find him to be my choice) suggested I go on a prescription drug that cost around $800/month...On our given budget at the time, I knew there was no way that was possible.  We barely had $100 a month left in our budget when it was all said and done.   I reluctantly agreed (until I'd discovered the out-of-pocket cost to me), but I determined thereafter that I'd just have to get by as I'd done in the beginning: determination, care and self-control.

Only my mind kept wailing out, "I can't!"  I heard repeated words from my childhood, which have haunted me all along.  "Poor Terri, she just can't lose weight and keep it off."  Mind you all, I was NOT in charge of my food intake.  My food preparation and servings were controlled by another who chose not to keep her weight under control.  When she got tired of following a diet, we both went off the diet.  When she wanted to eat compulsively, we both ate compulsively, because she needed company in her illness.

Fast forward many years to 2015 and the original diagnosis of full-blown diabetes.  Again, it was the endocrinologist's attitude towards me and her many harsh predictions of my future health, that nearly proved to be my undoing.  However, between her physician's assistant who assured me, privately, that indeed I could reverse that diagnosis and the nutritionist who visited daily who made me feel I was quite capable of handling this health hurdle.

Mind you all, I did it all wrong.  I instituted far too many dietary changes at once, never easing into anything to see if it would actually work for me and my stats.  I read thousands of nutritionists' reports, online menu plans, and so much contradictory stuff that I felt overwhelmed.  But somehow, I did manage to lose 45 pounds and reversed the diabetes diagnosis.  

But...Well, I did eventually get lax about my eating plan, made switches that were necessary because of household economics or the number of others in the household who would not eat as I ate.  I went through a series of life upsets and hard places that nearly broke me and frankly the least important thing at that point in my life was how my 'diet' was going.  Hence, I gained weight, started to feel poorly, found myself making frequent choices for foods that should have been far more restricted, slept poorly, etc.  

And that's where I was when we visited the doctor in 2025.  His negativity made me feel that I couldn't do what needed to be done his and insistence that only insulin or GLP-1 could possibly fix my health didn't sit right with me.  I came home with an "I can't..." attitude and I held onto it.  

So in January we visited our current doctor.  Again, a diabetic level A1c.  He listened to my tale of the previous doctor's prognosis and suggestions and said, "Rubbish.  There's no way on earth, without extensive testing that he could possibly know what your heart health is.  Moderation.  That's the key."

And I did work on it, but then John died...and that threw me off my game.  And honestly led me back down the path of "I can't..."    Truly, it was more that there were so many other things to be dealt with during that time, and I honestly felt that minding one more thing was really too much.  I often forgot to eat or grabbed whatever was handiest regardless of quality. I didn't gain weight.  But my next A1c (just last week) told the same story: diabetic.

The doctor has steadfastly said he didn't want to start any more medications aside from the Metformin and supplements I am already taking.  "Your body is under stress.  Your emotional health has been stressed.  Now is not the time to go on a regimen of medicines that are not for you.  We're going to wait this out and see how it goes.  You're not in danger.  You're just over the lip of the mark that says diabetes."  All in all, very encouraging.

But my mind, each time I'd allow the subject to surface, came right back to "I can't..."  

Well, my Mama used to say something to me when I'd whine, "I can't..." that I heard loud and clear in my head this morning.  It overrode that whine.  She'd say, "Can't never could do a blamed thing."  And there's a bit of wisdom I'd do well to put my focus on.  

Can't is a negative pattern of thinking.  Can't says to me that I am helpless; I don't have discipline or sense enough to make changes.   It says that any attempt to change anything would be utterly useless, a waste of time.  

Phooey!

I know that part of my issue at present is that I am overtired.  I'm not sleeping well due to sciatica.  I've been unwell for over a month with minor complaints that means I simply don't feel good.  It spoils my confidence and my attitude something terrible.

But this is a new month, and I want a new attitude to go with it.  I've determined a course of action that involves slow changes to my diet, following through on my previous plans to walk a bit more each day.  I will not be rushing to toss foodstuffs, but I will use what I have on hand first and when it's time to replace them, I will move to a better, healthier alternative, or I'll simply eliminate certain foods entirely.  My doctor is very much a "Moderation in all things," doctor and I agree with his opinion, since it was always Granny's advice as well.

I have written out a set of ten rules to follow for this month.  I will adjust those rules next month.  I will make sure to keep my attitude upbeat and positive by doing the things that promote good mental health overall.  Which means that just now, if I'm tired, I'll rest!  If I feel overwhelmed at any point, I'll slow my pace.  I'll try to be pro-self-care.  A slip up is nothing to give up over. It's just a momentary slip and not nearly as damaging as giving up entirely would be.  

This is my "I CAN" month...I'll know the full results of it in November when I have my next appointment.  But I'm feeling very positive about this!