This Too is What Grief Looks Like

 

I know I've said it before, but July ended up being a difficult month.  Not a hard month particularly, but minor illness, sciatica, a week of being sad, a month more or less of not feeling well overall, heat...You name it and it pretty much knocked me off kilter.  And it's left me feeling I am out of place somehow.

For one thing, school has started.  Every year I've gotten excited about a 'new year' when school began.  This year, I feel terribly blasé.  And honestly, I'm a little puzzled about it.

For another thing, I have several minor health issues that I've found have been terrible stumbling blocks.  I've been reluctant to make appointments that would obviously provide answers or solve issues because I don't feel well.  I've felt overwhelmed by decisions, period.  And yet, I have no good reason for not feeling well.  I'm not sick.  I just don't feel 100%.  

I find that overall, everything I've said I'd like to do just doesn't excite me.  I don't care about travelling anywhere just now.  Or decorating my study.  I don't care about working in the yard or feel like purchasing supplies from the back-to-school selection as I typically do.  

I have no desire to think about writing, no urging to start a project of any sort or even to keep up with general housework.  And I find, more and more, that I'm keeping close to home.

I say all of this and at the same time can say very assuredly, I'm not depressed.  I'm not sad.  I'm just feel much as I do when I've gotten really tired.

Is this part of grieving?

Not having anyone else with whom I could discuss this I turned to Microsoft CoPilot to ask and lo and behold, yes, this is a normal part of grief as well.  Typically hitting around 4-6 months after loss, many people just go into a quiet place where they no longer want to socialize and feel less than motivated.  Co- Pilot suggested giving in to the need to rest, single small projects, patience with oneself.  

So, I'm going to take the advice the web gave me.  I'm going to rest.  Go slow.  Be patient with myself.  Not plan big projects but work on one small one at a time.  Do fewer outings and make those I do go on more one on one or quiet family things.  This is just another part of the healing process and it's necessary, as all steps are.

So, for the rest of August and perhaps the first week or two of September, I'm going to take a break.  I'm going to sit in the sun, have leisurely mornings, go to bed early, sleep late if I need to, read, watch movies, take long rides and treat myself gently.  I'm going to eat good foods for my body and take it easy.  And come the end of the month, I'll see how if I feel more like myself.