I've shared before that when Katie left home at 18, I found myself in a long spell of grief. It was completely unexpected. I'd been parenting for over 30 years, and I thought I was more than ready to lose that role of full-time parent. I started out excited about the time ahead. And then I was hit by the runaway car called grief which nearly debilitated me for two full years.
I didn't know what to do with myself! All those plans I'd made for the day when I would not be on call 24/7 mattered no longer. I lost my footing. It was totally unexpected and it took me by surprise.
Six weeks into losing John, I can tell you that I find myself in a similar place now.
I had thought of life without him, in a vague sort of way, the same way that I used to muse about what I'd do when I was no longer needed as a parent on the same scale that I'd been needed. I'd planned in my mind how I'd live life on my own, if those days ever came, a day when I was no longer a daughter, a mother, a wife. But I had no idea that this time around I was not losing one role, but many.
I am not only no longer married in the world's view, but I am also no longer a lover, a companion, a partner, a stay-at-home wife. I hadn't anticipated that losing John would mean I'd lose so much I'd used to mark my own identity. And if you want to know the truth, I didn't realize how this sort of loss also meant I lost so much of myself.
Gain the independence I'd always craved? I suppose I did. But I'm not ready for it! Not on this scale! Not when it means the foundations are kicked out to have to build anew...
Frankly, it's a lot to come to terms with.
It's not loneliness that eats at me most frequently. No indeed. It's grappling with the idea of who I am, what I am, at this point in my life. Not old (not by my standards) and not young (by any standard). Not married, but not single. Without a lover who am I getting dressed and made-up for each day? For whom do I wish to be attractive? Without a companion, what do I do with my day? Who am I to bounce ideas off of, or read sticky passages of posts to? To whom can I be an advisor since no one else is in the house with a creative sticking point? With whom will I discuss pivotal quotes and scriptures or revelations? And what about my role as a caregiver? Whose care do I tend to each day without my husband? He hardly needed my care each day, since he was capable and able to feed and clothe himself, but I enjoyed taking care of his needs, anticipating what he might want, making meals, cleaning and decorating our home so that it was comfortable and pretty and something he might be proud of. I struggle with the role of homemaker...Home is meant to be made for others, isn't it? Can I make 'home' for only myself? I mean beyond the need to eat and make a meal, or to do laundry...
Am I capable of self-care without becoming selfish? That was a question when John was alive and now it roars at me in the night. Am I wrong to admit I'm too tired for a grandchild to stay a night much less a weekend? Am I wrong to confess that my energy has hit -10 on the scale and I desperately need something more to drag it up to 0?
In the end, as I've been clearing spaces that were filled with John's things, I've realized that part of my issue has been not just the idea that I was erasing him, but that I was also clearing out things that represented my own lost roles. Grief piles on top of grief as I look at this month. Grief that my husband is gone, grief that certain dreams will never come true, grief that I am no longer who I was.
I'm having something of an identity crisis.
And yet the flip side to all of this is that I am finding myself mildly excited if I ever do stop to refuel myself. As though this is a new adventure, a time to discover who I am without someone else defining me so fully as marriage and parenting have done in the past.
Who exactly is this person staring back at me from the mirror? Is she interesting? Does she embrace life? Is she someone I'd like to know? Is her story going to be a good one?
I can't wait to find out...
P.S. The day this publishes will be our 32nd wedding anniversary. And what do you do on such a day when you are no longer married? Yes, I know I've kept saying we were together 34 years; we lived together for 2 years before we were legally married.
Terri, please don’t ever feel selfish for making your home pretty or comfortable just for you. I think I understand your feelings of “losing” parts of yourself. I’m still married, but our grandson lives about 800 miles away, and none of my other 3 children live nearby. It’s hard to truly feel like a mother or grandmother when almost all of it is done long distance. Dave had a mom who was so overprotective that he’s a bit touchy about anything I do for him that might be considered “mothering”, lol. My kitty passed away over 5 years ago. I truly feel at loose ends many days. I’m so glad you also have moments of excitement for what may yet be. You have so much living to do yet, and I’m sure John would agree and give you his blessing! Thinking of you and sending prayers.
ReplyDeletePeggy I understand your current struggle with distant children and grandchildren. I lived that life, too! Now I have grandchildren near me that I see routinely...I pray that one day you shall know that phase of life as well.
DeleteJohn always said he himself was selfish in that he loved my taking care of him and that he often found himself being lazy because he knew I'd take over. But he didn't ever leave me feeling I was the only one giving and no one else was giving in return. I have felt that way at times with my older children but not in recent years.
Funny you mention your kitty...I have a cat outdoors by necessity since I'm allergic, and there's Rufus, outdoors for the same reason...I still have contemplated if I wanted an indoor pet (no, no I don't not even goldfish!), or a roommate (no, no I don't!).
Yes, one of John's last instructions to me was to take care of myself and do the things I'd wanted him to do with me. And I will. I just need to get my feet under me.
IMHO, I think that we lose ourselves caretaking for others. You have been a mom, wife, daughter, grandmother for a long time. We forget that WE need caretaking too. I lost my mom at a very young age, so I’m not ‘used’ to being taken care of, spoiled or pampered the way (some) mothers do for their daughters. So I spent a lifetime giving what I never had, because I know how it felt to NOT have it. Our children/grandchildren/husbands do provide some, but I dare say we know what we need best. You will find yourself, I promise! Be pretty, decorate, cook, travel, because You are special, and YOU deserve what you have given to others! And maybe someday we will meet up in St Augustine, also my favorite place! Life is still worth living!
ReplyDeleteLiz, I agree with you 100%...I've taken care of so many for so long that it feels foreign and almost wrong to think of caring for just myself. I was raised in a home that demanded I give of myself constantly and that mindset has stuck hard. And like you, I sometimes spoiled family because I knew what I'd NOT had and wanted them to experience it.
DeleteI will be returning to St. Augustine in time ahead. Not sure when at the moment, but it's occurred to me as well that I can now go to the mountains I have always loved (John hated the heights, lol)...And take all sorts of little and bigger jaunts I want to.
Our "apple carts" can get upset over events that shake everything up. Any major change, even a happy one such as a loving marriage, alters our perspective. Factor in a devastating loss and that totally changes the picture. Sometimes it is difficult to change our direction, adjust to a new normal. I have known women who never did accept their "new normal". As I have never lost a spouse, I can't definitely state what I would do, but would try to keep in mind what our loved one would have wanted for us. Terri, you are a strong, talented woman. I see good things for you in the future!
ReplyDeleteDonna, one thing John hated to think of for me or him either was that the remaining one might 'give up' and grieve themselves to death, quite literally. I thought of it in vague terms whenever I had a friend or acquaintance who lost a spouse: What would I do then? I'd ask myself. Well apparently the answer is to LIVE but just at the moment it's legal matters and sorting out a household's worth of stuff, his and mine that we'd accumulated. I'm ready to let go of things I've held on to forever, like the china I got as a gift for my first marriage. I've never used it. It just sits there and each time I see it, I recall how much I like the pattern but I never ever use it. Why hold on to it? No one in the family wants it...So why hold on?
DeleteAttitudes too are being decluttered along with things...It's a lot.
This has given me so much to think about. I, too, had a 2 year unexpected journey with grief after my daughters both left home within a week of each other. I was totally flummoxed by that feeling. I thought I’d be joyful and excited and found myself unexpectedly adrift. I’ve often wondered if that would be the case if my husband dies before me. His health isn’t good and his mental health often convinces him that not being around is his preference.
ReplyDeleteIt must be a huge shift and I don’t think any of us can imagine it until we go through it. My prayers are with you. I do agree that you’re not being selfish. This is a time of change and healing for you. Praying for you. Much love.
Karla, I can tell you from first-hand experience that while we might think of the death of our spouse and wonder what we'd be like, I don't think anything can prepare you for the actual fact of it. The craziest little things floor me with grief or pang me with guilt.
DeleteAnd then there is a slight tendency to want to memorialize John which is the very last thing he'd want to have me do and I know it too well.
Thank you for the prayers! I so appreciate them all. It helps more than I can tell you.
Again. This is Karla. LOL
ReplyDelete