Making Changes 1% At A Time

 

I floated through the last of March and the first part of April as though I were lost in a fog and I was.  I realized in mid-April I needed to stop and just 'be' so to speak, whatever form 'being' took at the time.  Tears, making relational decisions, attempting social occasions and church solo, dealing with paperwork and appointments, and finally determining what I wanted beyond John's NOT being gone, which is not an option I can choose.

I realized I could re-establish some routines in my life and ground myself somewhat better.  I started with the Friday and Monday house blessings, those two days of the week when my house is most prone to be untidy and need real attention.  I like going into the weekend with it clean and neat and I like coming out of the weekend well rested and ready to set things to rights for the week ahead.  

I went back to a Kitchen workday each week which came about quite organically as I began to meal plan once more, a normal activity, whether John was home or out.  I still have to clean, do laundry, make meals and keep a home that is somewhat presentable, even if there is only one in the home.  Such simple things, tidying and prepping food, but it helps more than I can tell you.  It makes me feel better mentally and emotionally to have those routines going once more. 

I've been trying to get out at least one day each week.  I attend to necessary things, and while I'm relaxed during that day with time frames, I don't tend to do 'fun' things.  Getting out routinely has helped me fill my days.    I'm so glad that John encouraged me to start doing grocery shopping on my own once more and to explore the things I enjoy doing alone. It really did help make this transition to doing all things on my own much easier.  Empty days are necessary for me, too.  I tend to get moody and weepy if I'm too busy.  I need time to rest, to think about what I've done, what I still need to do, what I'd like to do.

I talked to Katie briefly last week, just before I turned the calendar to May, and I spoke of various plans I'd made for changes in the house.  I'd mentioned to John a week or two before he died that I'd been thinking of moving the living room furniture around.  

I've pretty much had my living room set up in the same exact way for about 27 years. I have tried to rearrange the living room in the past but with no good result.  I usually ended up cleaning the room really well then putting it all back where it came from.  But I'd thought perhaps I'd like to go back to one of the very first arrangements we'd set up in this house. 

It was a bit of a nostalgic memory that started the idea.  I'd been remembering how it looked when we first put things in place in the living room when we moved here.  Each time he'd walk in, John would sit down on the sofa and say, "This is home!"  It felt so lovely and right.  And that is what prompted me to ask him what he thought about more or less putting it back the same way. 

I don't want things to stay exactly as they always have been.  Kate asked if I wanted to make the home mine.   I told her truthfully that I didn't want to erase John from the house, but I wanted it to be our home in a different way, just as my life is different now.   

I'd planned this year to be the year we made a few changes anyway.  A new rug, and a bench for the dining room; a console or dresser or something for the TV; bookcases, nicer curtains for the living and dining area; a set of bedroom furniture for us because John had always wanted a matched set. 

And of course, I wanted to make a work room for myself... I'd planned to make a work room for myself in the guest/playroom and was working towards that.  It wasn't ideal but I was going to make it work.  

Then Katie suggested I consider taking the music room and making it my own space.  I really like that idea. John spent so much time practicing and creating in that room, I think it could be very conducive to my own work since the atmosphere of that room is pretty much saturated with a creative spirit.  And it would be a cozier space, too, since it's a smaller room than my current workroom/guest room.

I can see it more of a combined space.  Not all of John's things will leave the room, but the clutter will be culled and tamed and sorted.  I'd like to keep some of his instruments in the room and move in the stereo and the music cabinet to that room.  I'd like to have bookcases and a cozy chair.  How lovely to sit in that room that was so intimately his and listen to his music once more and at the same time to have a dedicated space where I can do my own creative work that feels intimately mine as well.

I might add here that it's not just John's 'stuff' I want to sort and clean up.  I want to tame a good bit of my own stuff.  I have cleared drawers, a trunk and a cabinet that might have been used for storage over the past month.    Why use up that space to hold something I'm never planning to use in any way?  

I want to make some changes outdoors.  Something  that will deter all the delivery drivers who insist on driving up the middle of the yard to come right up to the front porch.  One day someone is going to get stuck doing that.  I'd like to have crush run put up the driveways, both the one leading into the property and the one leading up to the house as well as under the carport.

I'd like to landscape about the house.  I love the two beds along the back of the house that I'd done years ago.  They usually need only tidying up each year, a fresh bit of mulch every few years or so.  I'd like to improve upon them by adding proper landscaping blocks to border them. 

I've always longed to landscape all the way around my home, not just along the two sides I've done thus far.   I'd like to expand the patio which is too narrow to do much of anything with.  A table and chairs will not fit there comfortably, nor a glider.  It's too narrow and long and frankly useless for anything but keeping some of the water at bay in the rainy season.    

And the mismatch of containers I've used for planting has done no favors to the patio either. I need to replace them with nicer pots.  All of this will be a lot of work, but I think it is doable and for a reasonable amount of money.  I just want my home to look nice, inside and out.  Not perfect but just better.

I am inspired by an Instagrammer I've been watching.  She vowed to make her home 1% better every day.  Surely, I could do something like that, a little at a time, and make some of the changes on my own until I'm ready to hire in real help to do the bigger things.  I can pull weeds, replace wonky stonework, spread fresh mulch, prune, hang new curtains, push furniture about, etc.  

I know that psychologically speaking it is a desire to make and control changes rather than being forced into change.  It's reminding myself that I have a say about some of the changes in my life.  That I am responsible for some of the things I dislike about my current mode of life.  I can't change missing John, but I can change the clutter, the untidiness, the things that keep me from feeling I am living my best life.

I've greeted life changes before with a passionate refreshing of my home.  I see my home as a reflection of my life and my circumstances and I'm not by any means ready to toss in a towel and give up on life.  

I am grateful John was such a good teacher both by example and actual instruction in teaching me how to handle decisions, repairs, wants and needs on my own.  He set a wonderful example for me and equipped me to handle life on my own.  He provided well for me in life, and I feel confident and optimistic coming into this new season of life.  

But I'm also realistic.  I can only do so much.  And all of my life does not need to be hyper-focused on work, work, work.  I've got to figure out how to create more life balance without someone here to remind me I need that balance.  So far, I'm running myself down to empty and then taking days to start back up again because what I've done so far is unsustainable.  

Again, 1% better.  Not attempting to make everything 100% different.  That's the reminder I give myself as I figure life out alone.  That means I need to take real time out to rest.  That I need to plan projects well so that I'm not wasting time and energy.  I've already found myself going back to redo some of the things I had done earlier.  I don't have to get everything just right, but I can save myself a bit of trouble by planning what each stage of a bigger project will look like.