My Turn

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...  Oh, let me begin again.  As usual, I've been doing a lot of thinking...

Possibilities abound all around me.  Things I've always wanted to do, never had time for, or was otherwise unable to do.  All the usual excuses come into play here. In the past, I'd cite John's lack of interest, a lack of money, a lack of time, etc.   All were exactly what I said they were: excuses.  Some had more validity than others, but they were all excuses, nonetheless.

But more and more in the past month, I'm realizing that I've been given ample opportunity at this point in my life to do something and to do it just for my benefit.

And suddenly, I find myself scared.  Anxious.  Unsure.  What if...? I ask myself a hundred times.  "What if the car breaks down?"  "What if I find I can't do...?" whatever I am contemplating at the moment.  "What if..." 

I mull and ponder all the ways things might slip slideways and end up all wrong.  And I do believe I've thought of every single way they could.  

"But what if", I ask myself at this moment," what if it all goes right?"

Last week I went out with my friend S.  

Each time we are out together, we see something new. We both kept exclaiming on our most recent outing, "I've never been here before!"  It made me think long and hard that afternoon and when we stopped for lunch, I found myself telling her about the things I'd planned for myself, everything from yoga to aquatic exercise classes, getting a second piercing so I can wear my dainty diamond studs daily, traveling all on my own, without company.  

We talked about the things that take our attention away from the things we want to do.  Our 'excuses' if you will.  At one point, S mentioned her marriage, her job, her mother who lives with her...All responsibilities that she must attend to, but if she ever happened to find herself with the freedom...

Now let me share that my friend is not a shy retiring sort.  She's a quietly determined sort of person and aware of her own needs in a way that I seldom bothered to be aware of until I felt a crisis of some sort within.  S often goes on road trips alone to visit long distance family, or roams to flea markets and antique malls out of her usual home range when she travels for work.  She's embraced a good degree of her independence.  Something I long ago let go of and had only recently begun to reclaim.

"You've been given a gift," she told me the other day.  "Sad circumstances, but a gift just the same.  You've money enough to take care of yourself.  You aren't responsible for a job and a family.  You're at liberty to do the things you want to do." 

 I contemplated that for a little bit while waiting on our food.  I talked to her about my fears.

"You are very right.  I have been given a gift...And I've no one but myself to blame if I ignore it and just keep doing the same things I've always done, rather than attempting to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.  Otherwise, what's the point?   It's not a gift if I don't take it, if I just ignore it and never take advantage of it, is it?"  

Do I have less anxiety and fear?  No.  Perhaps a little bit less.  But mostly, I feel certain that this is my moment in time to enjoy life.  And if I don't fill my time in my own way, then someone will surely fill it with their wants and needs.  It's been just so my whole life.  

It's my turn.