Yes/No

I mentioned several months ago that I'd stumbled upon a woman on Instagram, Shahar who talked a lot of sense about women, especially women our age, who have allowed themselves to become invisible, who are tired and used up and weary.  Women who are still saying "Yes" when what they long to say is "No."

This week's Unfiltered Newsletter was in my inbox on Monday.  I'd just come home from a morning out that I'd dreaded with every fiber of my being, to the point that my stomach had twisted in knots and my head ached and I felt at any moment I was going to be truly ill.  I had said "Yes" when what I really wanted to say was, "No."  

And when I finally wandered back home again, wanting nothing in this world, except to kick off my shoes, sit down in my chair and sigh deeply for the waste of the day behind me, I found the newsletter in my Inbox and read this:

It took me a long time to understand that every yes costs something.

Not always in a bad way. Some things are absolutely worth saying yes to. But your time has to come from somewhere. Your energy has to come from somewhere.

If you say yes to spending Saturday doing something you don't want to do, you've also said no to whatever you might have done with that Saturday instead.

That's the part I wasn't paying attention to.

For years, I thought building a better life meant adding things. Do more. Try something new. Make the plan. Find the time.

I'm starting to think subtraction matters just as much. ~ From Shahar, Unfiltered Newsletter #16

(I've included links to both the Instagram and the sign-up for the newsletter in case any of you are interested.)

As Shahar mentioned in the newsletter this week and has said many times before.  It's okay to say, "No."  No explanation needed, just one word, spelled N-O.  We don't owe anyone an excuse, an explanation.  

It's true that a few people in our lives might well be put out with us for saying, "No" especially when we have consistently, obstinately and far too often said "Yes" no matter how we felt, what we really wanted to do, where we needed to be, however inconvenienced we might be.  We have said "Yes" to win approval.  Sometimes we give up something we can never get back: an opportunity, a dream, a moment to nurture another relationship, or rest we desperately need.  We give up health and time and money.  All because we want to win the approval of just that one person.  A person who may not be family or a friend, who truly has no real impact on our life other than serving as a distraction from all the things we wish we'd said "Yes" to instead.

"No" is not hard to say.  Most babies manage to parrot it back at us from their earliest talking experience.  If only we hadn't lost the ability to say such a simple word!

Now let us look at the things we tend to say "No" to.  Too often, it's something we want, desire, long for...And our reasons for saying No often comes down to not feeling we deserve whatever it is we really want.

In a roundabout sort of way, this can tie back into my post about my spending (You may replace spending with any other bad habit that 'costs' you).  Every time I don't say "No" to those few extra grocery items that I don't require or really even want, I'm saying "No" to something I would enjoy more.  A book I love and long to own.  A beautiful perennial for my yard.  A movie I would like to see in the theater.  An overnight stay in an area I've longed to go explore.  A gorgeous, larger than usual bouquet of flowers to spread around the rooms of my home.  A really lovely piece of jewelry that made my heart sing when I looked at it. A can of the most gloriously saturated paint to transform a room, or the front door. 

You name it, I've made a choice to say 'no' to many things, any one of which might have meant far more to me than food I didn't need in the first place.  

The truth is I'm tired of saying "Yes" to the things I don't want to do at all and "No" to things I do want to do.  I'm tired of explaining myself and feeling guilty.  I just want, truly, to live my life as a far happier, less anxious woman.  Because if I don't start now, then when will I?  

Even my natural optimism cannot deny that time is getting shorter and shorter. I'm not getting younger.  Like it or not there is a limited shelf life for what lies ahead.

So maybe it's time to really stop and consider what I'm about to say Yes/No to and then go full speed ahead with the answer that makes the most of the time/money I have.

Please understand, this is not meant to create anxiety about saying either Yes or No.  It's meant to make me, us, stop and think about what we're also saying No or Yes to when we do make a hasty reply rather than give ourselves a moment and really think about what we're about to say.

I learned a long time ago that when I was already tired and weary, I'd say a hasty "No" to just about everything, even if it was something that I really, really wanted to do.  I had to learn to say, "Wait.  I need to think about this.  I'll give you an answer tomorrow," or next week or whenever I knew I could be fully rested and capable of giving a sincerely meant and heartfelt reply.  I also had to learn to say "No" to those who had made it a habit to bleed me dry because their emotional needs were strained, or they were the selfish sorts, or they just weren't aware that I too was in an unhealthy emotional space.  

Just STOP before you automatically reply.  Ask yourself, "Can I make a reasonable decision just now?'  "Will doing this mean I have to give up something I'd really been looking forward to?'  "Is this how I want to spend my time/money right now?"

THINK.

Then answer thoughtfully.  From the heart.  Without explaining.  Without guilt.  And let it be.