I'm Not That Woman Anymore

 

I think one of the most disturbing reality checks is that no matter how many years away from self-abuse, and self-sabotage I might come, at some point, when I'm overwhelmed or too tired, or hungry, or sorrowing, I will find myself smack in the middle of thoughts of what I might do.  Never good things, mind you.  Stinking thinking sorts of things, things that hail right back to the days of not caring for myself but reacting with destructive behaviors.

I've never been an alcoholic, but I understand too well the desire to drown my sorrows, albeit my drownings include compulsive overeating, indulging in behaviors that undermine my self-esteem and make me feel shame.  There they are, bold and stark and demanding as always, beckoning to me wildly.  "Hey, why don't you...?" they shout at me.  

Permission to be Sad

 

I sat down the other night weary to the bone.  Beyond that even, weary to the core of my soul.  "Why?", I asked myself.  "Why am I so very wearied just now?"

Well, it's not just now.  It's been building over the past few months.  Starting the long waiting day of March 21 and going all the way through this past weekend.   Sunday evening, I sat down and looked at my calendar.  There was nothing to do.  No appointments to keep, no bills to pay, no big chores planned, no time out with the grandchildren.  I don't need any groceries, or to run any errands. 

Renter vs. Owner Mentality

 

I have a secret love.  Mind you all, it's been ongoing for years upon years, but here lately I've indulged in it more and more.  I like to watch vlogs about small apartments.  We're talking anything from 191sq. ft., to the 2m sort in Paris.  Deep city apartments, lost in the boroughs and arrondissements.  I love seeing how people utilize their tiny spaces, some of which are rented and some of which are owned.   

Do I have any desire at all to live in New York, or Paris, or Italy, or Chicago or Los Angeles? Nope. None.  Not at all.  I am very much a girl who must have her green space right outside her window, be free of traffic noise and fumes, and be able to access her home without climbing five flights of stairs or walk six blocks to the corner grocery.  I am and always will be a country woman and quite happy about it.  But I love the glimpse into a life that I don't know and never shall.

Stepping Into the Void

I was meant to be gathering images for a collage that marked Past, Present, and Future for a weekly task in a study I'm working on.  Since I have only a very few magazines on hand, most of my images centered around words clipped from pages and a handful of pictures that represented things important to me.  Frankly none of them represented my past, of which I feel I've had a gracious plenty!  Instead, I focused on what I wanted to see in my future.  Some of what I have now.  A lot more than I have now.  I had slowed considerably in clipping and started scanning articles as I flipped through one of the last magazines. Suddenly there was a small paragraph that leaped off the page at me.  

My Turn

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...  Oh, let me begin again.  As usual, I've been doing a lot of thinking...

Possibilities abound all around me.  Things I've always wanted to do, never had time for, or was otherwise unable to do.  All the usual excuses come into play here. In the past, I'd cite John's lack of interest, a lack of money, a lack of time, etc.   All were exactly what I said they were: excuses.  Some had more validity than others, but they were all excuses, nonetheless.

July Promises and Possibilities

 

For this last day of June, I have been mildly busy.  And I took a long, deep nap, too.  I've wished a Happy Birthday to my granddaughter Rosalynn who turned 12 today.  I've worked in the shed, made Cheddar Jalapeno bagels and contemplated what I consider to be the real start of summer, the month of July.

It is the last 'vacation' month for the children.  Nearly all of them start school at the end of July or the first of August.  June was full enough of nice things to keep me feeling I'm more than a drudge but not all the things I'd promised myself came to be.  I'm happy with what I did get to though.  

But what about July?

The Visible Woman

 

It is a common truth, that as we age, we shrink.  Gravity has a way of pulling us down closer to the earth.

But for some of us, we've been shrinking for years. It's nothing to do with aging.  It's everything to do with thinking we are of no value, that we have no right or reason to draw attention to ourselves.  

For some of us, shrinking out of sight is a skill we learned as children.  We kept low and out of eye contact range as much as possible.  When all hell broke loose, we went quietly about picking up pieces, cleaning up messes, taking care of the debris from someone else's fallout level disasters.  

Someday Is Now

 

Everyone has a list.  It might be a physical list, but some of us only keep a mental one tucked far back in the brain.  And every once in a while, we drag it out of hiding and examine it. It's the Someday list.  Others might call it the Bucket List (good movie by the way...).  It is a comprehensive list of all the things we mean to do someday.

Someday...

My Grief

 

Here is a question I struggle with a great deal:  What does grief look like?  Is it meant to look exactly the same for everyone?  Does it come in different sizes and different forms?  Does it go in and out of fashion like styles?  How do I, as a new widow, still lively enough to want to live fully and well, deal with loss?  What is my identity now?

So many questions follow the one question, which is circular and always comes back around: What does grief look like?

Loss and Possibility

 

This is where I am here in June.  I have experienced a loss, a great loss, and yet I am so very aware that there are all sorts of possibilities before me.  It's a weird balance to walk between grief and joy, between old identity and new unformed self, between now and a future that is so vast and unknown before me that it scares and thrills me all at once.

As I came into May, once I began to be aware of life still life-ing all around me, it was hard to remain in the fog of grieving on a permanent basis.  Oh, there is still grief and it comes upon me unexpectedly at some point in most days, but it's not devastating.  It's not consuming misery.  It's just an awareness that there is a huge void in my life, that John's presence was large in my life.  I was happy to sit on the sidelines for the most part, to observe quietly and share what I observed with him.

A Time to Dance

Ecclesiastes 3 has always been one of my favorite passages.  The whole book is a favorite of mine, but most especially Chapter 3:1-8. 

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." 

Those verses speak of all the things of life in my opinion.  I find them very comforting at most any time but of late I've found them reminders to of hope because for everything we might experience in life there is an opposite that balances all.