Promises for April

 

1.  I promise to start reaching OUT to people when they are reaching out to me.  John and I tended to be selfish with our time together.  There's no one there for me now.  I'm not slighting my children.  They are being so supportive and would happily fit me into their lives even more than they did in the past.  But they have their lives.   I owe it to John, I owe it to them, and most of all I owe it to me, to not give in to the easy thing.  I need a new support system; one I'll build for myself.  I need to be open to people and stop thinking everyone is highly suspect and likely to hurt me.

2.   I promise to choose carefully who I allow to enter into my life.  That may sound contrary to the first promise but it's really an extension to it.  I attract needy people.  People are attracted to my co-dependent nature.  I want HEALTHY personal relationships in my life, not someone who will reduce me, use me, trap me in their dependency.  

To be honest, I've done that already once here.  I contacted an old friend, a friend whom I'd walked away from years ago. And very quickly, I realized that she expected me to be who I was, to be what I was back then.  I can't be that person.  I changed.  She...didn't.  Yes, her life has changed but she didn't change.  It was lovely to talk to someone who knew John and I at the beginning of our lives together.  But she'd been out of my life for 29 years for very good reason.  And she needs to stay there.  Love her as I do, she's unhealthy to me. 

3.  I promise I will not make any major decisions or life changes for the next six months.  Or maybe even a year.  I don't know yet how things will work out.  I don't know what day it is at the moment I'm writing this (It's Wednesday.  Remind myself to check the calendar every day).  I am still forgetting to have a meal.  I forgot to drink coffee the other morning.  If I'm a bit shaky on life basics then I am in no fit state to make big choices that don't have to made right away.  

I don't have time to waste on stupid impulsive life decisions that lead to heartache, financial ruin or loss.  You can afford to make those sorts of decisions at 20 or 30.  At 67...Not so much.

4.   I promise I will carefully exam just where I stand.   Are there things that need to be changed?  Am I where I need to be with the processes of getting paperwork done?  Do I know where I am financially, big picture?  (It just so happens I DO but I had to remind myself that was my department to keep up with now and I needed to KNOW).  Am I isolating myself?  Am I taking care of my health?  Am I being careful to only have emotionally healthy relationships?  

5.  I promise NOT to let people deplete me.  Not my own thought exactly but something profound my son said to me when I was telling him about feeling a little overwhelmed with not one but two separate family groups coming in at the same time.  He said, "Walk away for a bit if you need to.  Tell them you need time alone.  You have the right to reserve your strength.  This is about YOU.  It's not about them."

I did that twice this week.  I told visitors who have a tendency to linger and linger, "Go home.  Be careful, but go home."   I told an old friend, "I'm tired.  I'm going to get off the phone.  We'll talk.  Not every day.  But now and then."  

6.  I promise I will enforce and reinforce my boundaries.  So many people have wanted to share sympathy.  People who were out of our lives for good reason.  And some absolutely positively do NOT need to be allowed back in... It's not a matter of 'not being nice', it's a matter of learning to be protective of myself in GOOD ways.  John was always reminding me to guard my boundaries.  Now I need to remember that I'm the one who needs to do the reminding of self.

7. I promise myself that I do not have to 'fix' anything.  In the midst of all I was going through two incidents occurred that upset me.  I'll tell you about one of those.  Someone got their feelings hurt about a reply I made just as the doctor came in to announce John's death.  I was so sorry they were hurt.   I understood why they thought my message sounded a bit brusque.  It was. For good reason.  

But naturally I felt I needed to apologize and coax and get the rest of the family to do the same to smooth things over. I had a timely call from a Pastor who knows my nature.  He reminded me firmly, sternly, that the family member is a big boy and needed to 'fix' his own feelings.  Pastor reminded me that John would have said the same.  He reminded me I am in the midst of something hard. I lost someone I loved, too.  All I have to do is focus on taking care of me and getting those things done that I must attend to.  And that doesn't include an adult who can't handle an abrupt text when my husband has just died.

8.  I promise to pace myself.  I heard John in my head the other day when I was thinking I need to sort out this and I need to go on and do that and my goodness I will have to do x, y, z.  They will all need to be done.  They are not the important things.  They are not doing any harm undone.  They are not going to affect my livelihood, nor my home in anyway.  

So I put away the laundry stacked on his dresser and called that good for now.  Eventually the dresser will be cleared out.  The clothes in the closet will be donated.  The stacks of things that John kept near his work area will be dealt with.  But I don't have to rush to get it all done.  Nor do I have to do it all at once.  

9.  I promise to read John's rules to live by every day and make sure I'm following them.  My husband was very wise in many things, and I trust his care of me.  Those rules are his continued protection as I navigate this new season of life.

10:  I promise to make these 10 promises for April rules to live by as well.