Sorrow upon Sorrow

 

The thing I've found about grief is that it has a way of dredging up all the past griefs, ones I'd thought were long dealt with and forgotten.  

The need of a girl for her mother...

The desire to be an aunt...

Today, as I was leaving church, a young woman came and stopped directly in front of me.   I stood looking at her, sure I knew her, sure she was family, but not quite recognizing her.  I said "Hi..." a little hesitantly.  Something about her face kept nagging at me that she was someone I knew well.  It was my niece.  We hugged long and deep.  She is 30 years old.   I have had only the briefest moments of contact with her.

The afternoon passed with my own family, but I kept marveling that I'd seen my niece.   At home, as I ate my solitary supper, I kept recalling how she'd stood before me, very nearly unrecognized.  I wondered if she'd any idea how much I have loved her all these years, despite our limited time together.  I thought back over my hopes and dreams, the way I'd wanted to be an aunt, a really loved aunt to her and the way I was pushed away, stunted in that by my brother's reluctance to allow any family contact, and by another's continually telling my niece that I didn't care for her.  

I thought of my only nephew, my ex-husband's sister's child., also kept distant, but I suspect that had more to do with my ex than with myself...Still, it was another child I'd have loved to have had in my life that I was denied a relationship with.

Tonight I ached for the loss of what might have been.  My niece and nephew.  The dreams I held for too many years.  My parents.  My brothers.

I ache for what I've lost.  My husband.  Dreams I held near and cherished, but which never came to be.

I console myself that I have many loving and wonderful grandchildren in whose lives I can play a role.  Surely God blessed me with grandchildren enough I oughtn't grieve for a niece and nephew, but I do. I have the love of my children, and a son who calls me mom though we are not in fact blood related. Each of them tells me what a great mom I am.  Though I never felt the love of my birth family, my husband made sure that I felt loved.   I have been so blessed. I grieve what I was not allowed to experience, all the same.