The thing I've found about grief is that it has a way of dredging up all the past griefs, ones I'd thought were long dealt with and forgotten.
The need of a girl for her mother...
The desire to be an aunt...
Today, as I was leaving church, a young woman came and stopped directly in front of me. I stood looking at her, sure I knew her, sure she was family, but not quite recognizing her. I said "Hi..." a little hesitantly. Something about her face kept nagging at me that she was someone I knew well. It was my niece. We hugged long and deep. She is 30 years old. I have had only the briefest moments of contact with her.
The afternoon passed with my own family, but I kept marveling that I'd seen my niece. At home, as I ate my solitary supper, I kept recalling how she'd stood before me, very nearly unrecognized. I wondered if she'd any idea how much I have loved her all these years, despite our limited time together. I thought back over my hopes and dreams, the way I'd wanted to be an aunt, a really loved aunt to her and the way I was pushed away, stunted in that by my brother's reluctance to allow any family contact, and by another's continually telling my niece that I didn't care for her.
I thought of my only nephew, my ex-husband's sister's child., also kept distant, but I suspect that had more to do with my ex than with myself...Still, it was another child I'd have loved to have had in my life that I was denied a relationship with.
Tonight I ached for the loss of what might have been. My niece and nephew. The dreams I held for too many years. My parents. My brothers.
I ache for what I've lost. My husband. Dreams I held near and cherished, but which never came to be.
I console myself that I have many loving and wonderful grandchildren in whose lives I can play a role. Surely God blessed me with grandchildren enough I oughtn't grieve for a niece and nephew, but I do. I have the love of my children, and a son who calls me mom though we are not in fact blood related. Each of them tells me what a great mom I am. Though I never felt the love of my birth family, my husband made sure that I felt loved. I have been so blessed. I grieve what I was not allowed to experience, all the same.
As the daughter of parents who were both only children I longed for cousins and aunts and uncles. Certainly different, but still a longing and there is grief. Grief work always causes us to revisit underlying grief. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteYes, I think there is indeed grief for things we have never known but always longed for. And I love the wisdom of your final thought: Grief work always causes us to revisit underlying grief.
DeleteSame thing happened to me. Lost my parents young, only one brother from whom I am estranged.. he forbade my niece to have any contact, yet 6 months ago she found me. I have 2 other nieces from his 2nd marriage who are also forbidden.. for now. I also grieve for the lost years. I can only do what I can do. My door is open. We reap what we sow. You are not alone my friend
ReplyDeleteYes, I remember her birthday and always text her but I seldom if ever hear from her. And never at all from my nephew.
DeleteThe losses that are not our doing always seem so much harder to ever stop grieving., I think.
ReplyDeleteI think losses grieve us period. Even if we are the ones who had to make the decision to leave.
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