Little Lies Rob My Dreams

I found myself the other day lamenting what I cannot do...

I told myself that it was just a passing season, that it wasn't my fault, that it couldn't be helped, that this was just the way life is...

Lies.  These are lies.

The truth: I have been hit with a little financial strain this season but not a devastating one that prevents much.  No, for the most part, I am to blame.  I've made choices, that don't appear too devastating at first glance, but which are insidiously destructive when repeated ad infinitum.

And it would also be true that some of the things I haven't done is because I've opened up my heart and looked inside and what I want is to build memories with John...which I can't do.  There's no getting around that.

But part of my issue is financial and it IS my fault.  And what is my problem?  It's food.  That is my realm of overspending and it's holding me back.

I've excused it away easily enough because it's not snacky foods or excessive takeout rather than cooking.  For the most part it's good whole foods, quality foods, but not necessarily food I need.  I have enough.  I have enough.  But when I feel tempted to make myself feel better, my acceptable go to bit of indulgence these days is to head to the grocery store and fill up a cart with good solid food that is on sale and pack it into pantry, fridge and freezer.  

I feel virtuous in that sort of overspending.  I'm not wasting it.  I'm not letting it spoil and then tossing it away.  I am building my food storage.   I can, as I said, easily excuse it because at first glance it's not a bad thing.

But it's food I don't need.  It's over and above and beyond.  It's the same as having a packed closet and feeling the need to go buy another five or ten pieces because it will make me feel better in that moment.  Even if I wear them all routinely, I still don't need the excess.  

I learned a lot watching my mother who was a compulsive sort of person. She ate compulsively.  She pursued hobbies compulsively.  She shopped compulsively, buying lots of things that she hid away and never touched.  Even as a single woman she bought more food in a month than she had room to store, much less use.

And I well remember her crying real tears because what she wanted was a prettily landscaped yard, a lovely home.  But she constantly wailed that she had no money and she didn't...she'd spent it on other things, things that had no real importance to her, nearly all of which ended going into a dumpster or to a donation center.  

She'd spent enough in twenty years to renovate and decorate her entire house and have her yard professionally landscaped, too, several times over if she'd chosen.  Yes, and paid someone to keep it all maintained for the rest of her life as well!  But all she had to show for it was a lot of cheap stuff and the 'lie' that she hadn't any money to do those things she most wanted to do, a lie she told herself repeatedly.

I swore I'd never be in her shoes.  That if ever I had any money to use I'd do my best to use it for what mattered, what would really count.  For me that is to take care of my needs so my family doesn't have to, to maintain and improve my home, landscape my yard, travel, and be a blessing to someone in need.

And yet, here I am, struggling ever so slightly because (a) life happened and some rather large and expensive bills came up which weren't of my making or choosing but just one of those things that happens, and (b) because my one area of repeated overspending is food.  And honestly, I might have managed something of what I truly wanted had I not been overspending.

I'm undisciplined.  Not broke.  Undisciplined. And it is high time I stopped telling myself these little lies. 

It's not yet a habit that is keeping me from doing anything I really want to do, but it could easily become the very thing that cripples me and prevents me from doing those things which I think would better enhance my life overall.  I can do better.  And I mean to!