Things That We Bump Into

 

In the midst of my resting period, I stumbled into an unexpected web from the past.  As sticky and persistently clinging as any damp spider web can be, I found myself forever trying to extricate my thoughts and feelings from the tangled mess I'd wandered into quite by accident.

It began, as things of this sort do, quite innocently.  I was wandering about doing a routine errand when I heard a page go out and the person requested had the same name as someone from my far away past, back when I was restless and seeking and quite honestly far more beautiful and reckless than I shall ever be again.  Really, it was nothing to go into a tither over and yet, I did.  I spun right around into that web and found myself confused and frustrated on so many scores as I attempted to free my thoughts and emotions.  

Reasoning didn't work very well.  Nothing seemed to cause my thoughts to sway the right way around again.  Not the constant reminder to self that I was no longer that woman nor did I want to be.  Not the fact that the man I knew then was hardly worth notice much less the obsession I let him become.  Neither did the fact that I have in the past 36 years known a great love from a respectable, admirable, gentlemanly sort who raised the measure of any man so high I shouldn't even bother with anyone who could barely gaze at the lowest mark he left behind.  Nor did I bother with taking my own measure and value, completely forgetting that over the years I had not depreciated as some aging things do, but that I had greatly increased in value as a person, a spiritual being and as a woman.  

No, indeed. 

All I could think of was the rather frightening chemistry I'd once experienced with this man and the sick little game we played of cat and mouse.  He'd draw me in, toy with my affections, then suddenly he'd pounce in a rather mean way and leave me reeling, hurt and dazed.  I'd convince myself he wasn't for me.  Only to have him sidle back around after a few weeks and tell me all over again how pretty I was, how desirable I was, how much he wanted me and then he'd pounce all over again.  And it went on for years.  Truly.  

Nothing ever came of it except a lot of confusion and almost continual upheaval of my emotions.  He was a great talker that one, but a mean one as well.  And I was so desperate, so longing to be loved, that I'd always fall right into his game all over again, time after time.  Until finally I did have enough and told him so bluntly and plainly and publicly too, when he'd done his utmost to embarrass and humiliate me in the middle of a very public place with onlookers all around. 

But that backbone I displayed then, seemed to be jelly all over again.  All I could think of was what had been: chemistry and attraction.

Well, as it happened, I rounded a corner and there he was.  And you know what I did?  I backed up and went away.  I didn't want a word, a glance, recognition, or worse a failure to recognize.  It had been nearly 40 years after all.  I've changed a good bit.  I'm not unattractive, but I'm definitely not the exotic looking beauty I was way back then.   I will say time had not been harsh to him.  But I just couldn't bring myself to come face to face with what had been.  And I've no regrets on that score at all.

No, my issue came afterwards.  Imagining what it might have been like to meet once more and have been recognized.  Imagining what changes might have occurred in his life.  Imagining what it would be like if after all this time, we finally connected properly.  All of course, assuming he'd become anything like a decent sort of man!   Or that I could so lower my own current values and standards I'd tolerate him if he hadn't...

In my heart of hearts, I don't ever want to wander backwards in my life.  I've been there, done it, it hurt like hell, got the t-shirt, wore it out and now I'm over it.  

But I heard other things this time in my imaginings.  I saw myself as I am, a far nicer, better and more confident woman. I know that my value is far greater than any value I'd have imagined I might have had 40 years ago.  I saw myself not as someone hurting and lonely and desperate to be loved, but as one who'd experienced the love of a lifetime and who knows that nothing less would ever be acceptable after that.  I saw myself as a woman with pride, dignity, respectability.  I saw my worth.

I do tend to bump hard into what I was, where I've been in life.  I was a passionate young woman, and I don't say that with any shame.  It is part of my nature to be passionate.  It is the way God made me.   It took me years to realize how carelessly I allowed that passion to be called into play with people who didn't value it in the least.  And I don't mean just the sensual sort of passion.  No, indeed.  It was the same with friendships, family relationships, work partnerships, etc.  I was all in, 100% in, loyal as could be.  I was often taken advantage of and used carelessly and at times, ruthlessly.  But I changed.  

These days when I go bump, what I'm bumping up against isn't a barrier that says something can't be mine, but a boundary... my own boundary, one I set in place myself.  A boundary that says, "Hold on here...Is this going to add value to my life or bring misery?  Is that a door that should be opened, or remain firmly closed?"  

It also means I am learning to recognize where my strength is not yet greater than my weakness.  And that right there is saying quite a lot to me at the moment.   It means I've come to know myself rather well.  And I'm proud of that!