The Gift

I've been thinking about Christmas quite a lot this year.   It's hard not to think of the gifting part of the season when you are up to your eyeballs in wrapping paper, and while I dearly love to give, I can't help but think of the gifts of my past, of what I might receive this year, of what the year ahead might bring.  

Looking back, I recall only a handful of Christmas gift items that really blew me away. There was the year that Santa brought me Sweetie Pie.  Sweetie Pie was a lovely blond baby doll wearing white eyelet, with a pink velvet bow in her little, tiny ponytail atop her head, lying upon a pink velvet pillow, bordered in white eyelet.  She didn't do a thing.  She couldn't talk or walk or drink as some dollies could, but she was so pretty, and I loved her dearly for more years than I'll own.  And Amie loved her too when I dug her out and passed her on.

There was the year Granny gifted me a pair of bell bottom pants, a turtleneck shirt and my first compact.  That was pretty major right there.  To be in style and seen as grown up enough to have my own face powder was a pivotal moment. 

There was the year I received a pearl ring.  It was set in an unusual way and was totally unexpected, nothing I'd asked for but which Mama had seen and chosen for me.  I was fifteen.  Just the age to appreciate such a lovely thing and to cherish it.  

Honestly, it's much that lingers in my memory.  John's given me lovely things, but he tends to gift me in October (sort of an anniversary in his mind...I've no idea why) and only things I'd had a hand in choosing (due to his gifting anxiety).  But there was one night near Christmas when he went into the mall and I stayed in the car, though I've no idea why.  And when he came out, he handed me the loveliest little pair of diamond earrings and he said, "I couldn't resist them...they sparkled like your eyes..."  Well, who wouldn't love that?  A few years later he gave me another pair, very similar, without the pretty speech.  

Funnily enough, while I am a big girl and have always felt I needed to have big jewelry to properly show on my person, John's gifts are inevitably incredibly pretty, delicate and feminine.  It's very gratifying to have him give me these things because it's a proper reminder to me of how he envisions me.  There are lovely pearl charms to hang from my ever-present hoop earrings.  A pair of diamond and amethyst earrings that are the size of my pinky nail at best and a delicate gold chain with tiny baby pearls strung along it that hits me just at the hollow of my throat.  I'm telling you this man truly does gift well when he sets aside his anxiety and just goes for it.

There was the silk wallet he paid a friend/co-worker to bring back from China when she went on a work trip.  It was very well made, beautiful and I loved it so much that I had to put it away because it had worn so, but I always felt a thrill of pleasure when I'd take it from my purse to pay for a purchase.

The children often gave me gifts that made me cry.  They were sweet and funny, and I saw their hearts in the gifting which meant the world to me.  

But overall, I haven't been given great or spectacular things.  Not saying that in a disappointed sort of way.  I didn't expect great or spectacular.  I expected that if I received anything at all, I'd be polite and complimentary and pleased enough that the giver was pleased and I'd take whatever I was given and enjoy it until it was used up, eaten, worn out.  And if I received nothing, I'd not be disappointed and whiny about it but carry on, as one ought to do.

Which brings us up to this year...It's been a lovely year.  The year itself has been a gift in so many ways.  It's been peaceful and pleasant, filled with lovely things.  We had a proper bit of winter and a proper bit of spring and a mild summer and a lovely autumn.  November alone was a month of legend where pleasantness and loveliness in autumn is concerned.  

There were family times together, not all the children gathered at once, but the individual families came and we have had time with them enjoying their company, laughing and talking and eating together which is the most companionable way to be.

There were all the gifts that flowed back into my life: reading, art, swimming, singing, piano, music.  The gift of time to truly enjoy those things.  The ability to change a very bad habit of being unbending and boring and insistent upon doing all the work all of the time and never taking moments to enjoy.  And the ability to recognize when I'd allowed fear to become the controlling emotion and I stopped it in its tracks and went right ahead into the scary places arriving in triumph and joy. 

There have been sunrises and sunsets that blew me away and clear bright nights and the coziness of home when it was stormy or cold and miserable.  There have been good meals and more than enough always to feel like plenty.   

There has been major work done on the house again (this time it was painting the kitchen, back entry and laundry), and on the cars and we've had money enough to do both.  I won't say it didn't get a bit tight, but it wasn't so horribly tight that we were in a permanent state of doing excessive penny pinching.

This year, this whole year, has felt like a wonderful gift.  Unwrapped in layers a little at a time and finding with each layer something that was especially lovely.    And I am so very grateful for it all!

The year of 2025 will be the year I'll remember best as being gifted much...

The Stockings Are Hung...

When I was a child, I wanted one of those mesh stockings filled with cheap plastic toys and barely edible hard candies so badly!  Alas, one never was left for me. I don't remember stockings being a thing in our early childhood and it most certainly was not a thing at all when we were older kids. 

Year after year, I'd read The Night Before Christmas and when I'd get to the lines, "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care..." I'd wish above all things that I had a stocking to hang and wake to find filled.

Well, the stockings are not hung... BUT they are purchased and I plan to fill them because this year.  (Disaster barely averted.  I ordered monogrammed and I received two "J" stockings!  At first the grown-up in me said "No matter, I can make do..." And then I heard her.  The little girl inside that I'm trying to pay attention to...Wailing "But I want my OWN stocking, not a make do one!"  My eyes filled with tears and I told John, "Well I'll be ordering another one from somewhere!"  God bless the man, he said immediately, "And you should!  What fun is it to 'make do' at Christmas?")

Yes, I'm giving in to all my inner child wishes.  I've always wanted a stocking, and I think I only ever managed to fill one years and years ago when we were broker than broke.  That year the stockings made up for all that Santa couldn't possibly provide on our budget.  So, we each got packets of hot cocoa and a favorite candy bar, a large peppermint stick, and the most beautiful oranges.  The kids also got a packet of bubble gum each.  They were over the moon.

I was pretty happy myself since 'Santa' had seen fit to provide me with a sample of one of my favorite coffees, Santa's White Christmas Surprise. It made a whole half pot... But somewhere along the way, my stocking has gone missing.

We did fill a stocking for the kids from that year onward, but I don't think anything could compare to that first Christmas we were all together as a brand-new family with a practically non-existent budget.  

But this year, I plan to fill a stocking, because this woman/girl deserves to be spoiled a bit, especially after the years of neglect I've dealt her.  I have ideas to fill my stocking with...

I've already picked up a book at the Dollar Tree that sounded worth reading.  What else do I want to put into it?  Perhaps a box of chocolates.  And a tiny bag of Cheetos.    A new key chain.  A nail file, a packet of gel pens that write colors, a seasonal magazine or coloring book, some stickers, a roll or two of washi tape.  Maybe I'll put in a toy that strikes my childish fancies.  Maybe I'll give myself a dozen coupons, too, one for each month ahead.  "This coupon good for one full day of doing nothing but reading."  "This coupon good for one new book."  "This coupon good for one new perennial for the yard."  That sort of thing, so I can look forward to receiving a few gifts all through the year.

I don't really know just what will go into it at this time but I'm going to set a low dollar limit and do my best to find suitable little gifts.  And I'll fill John's, too.  He'd love a packet of bubble gum, a giant tootsie roll, and a crossword puzzle book or one of those multi-puzzle books.  He is a sucker for a good pen and a novelty key chain, too.

It's just one more thing to look forward to doing this Christmas and I can't wait!

P.S. The stocking arrived with the correct "T" on it.  And I've bought things to fill both our stockings.  I kept it under $50 for the two of us.

P.P.S.  Have any of you seen the Victoria Beata Instagram?  She's written two books but her insta page is DELIGHTFUL!  Karla, I think you'd enjoy this one!

P.P.P.S.  Thank you all for sending such lovely Christmas cards!   But Karla, I NEED to know what perfume you were wearing when you signed my card.  I opened the envelope and swooned in the best way.  It's really lovely and I want to know what it is.

A Wish Book Christmas

Do you remember the thrill of the Christmas catalog coming in the mail?  

In our home, we all wanted to look through it when it arrived and the one of us three kids to see it first, always called, "I get it first!" 

And how we did pore over it.  Of course, the first time through we were all obligated to hurry up so the next could have a chance at it, but then we would pick it up randomly all through the six weeks or so until Christmas arrived.  We made out multiple wish lists as we counted down the days until Christmas.

It was lovely, truly it was and I was pleased when Amazon came out with their own little catalog which my grandchildren have pored over and over, just as I did when I was a child.

Well, I'm a child no longer but I dearly love this time of year when a few stores still send out their Christmas season catalogs.  You know the sorts I mean... high end gift shops that sell lovely trinkets or baskets packed full of fruits and assorted goodies, mail order catalogs for furnishings set in beautifully decorated rooms for the season. And just now the internet is rife with beautiful things, too.  Ads of all sorts of gadgets and pretties and practical items I've lived a lifetime without but am sure I could use, or at least someone in my family might use.  Amazingly, most of them I've never seen until the season of gifting was upon us. 

I have looked at and considered the quality of a dozen gold foil wrapped pears packed lovingly in a beautiful box from a high end fruitier.  And quelled at the price tag, too.  I have dreamed of opening an Advent calendar filled with beauty product samples that costs fifteen times what one full sized item might cost.  I have looked with watering mouth at the Dobosh tortes, with longing eyes at the Herend bunnies, the cashmere sweaters, the bejeweled trinkets.   

Reality bites.  Things are a little snug this season.  Two major car repairs, our recent vacation, property taxes, insurance renewals, a bit of holiday overspending at the grocery yet again, charitable donations to really good causes that we can't bear to turn down at this time of year, the bill we'd forgotten was coming due...All on the same budget we've had for five years with a family growing ever larger.  If I let it, it could make for one bleak Christmas.

Pfftt!  That's what I think of it all!

I insist upon keeping the abundant living mindset that I grabbed with both hands in September just before the testing started.  Nevertheless, I'm neither foolish nor frivolous.  I can't spend what I don't have in the hopes that I can pay in January for a Christmas gift today... 

I've seen oh so many beautiful things I'd like to buy for those I love...and quite a few things I'd like to have for myself, too.  It occurred to me that I could make my own wish book, only mine is a listing of websites and photos of items I've saved in a file for later viewing. I call it My Wish Book.  

I'll look at it and dream as I did as a child.  In three months or six, some of these lovely items' prices might drop and I can begin an early Christmas gift stash, or my income might be a bit freer, and I can afford to pay full price for something lovely.  I might stumble upon some of the items at the thrift store where unwanted treasures await a treasure hunter. 

I've realized that at least nine-tenths of what I've been looking at isn't the dozen apparently perfect pears but the gold foil they are gently wrapped in, the pretty colored paper filler in the very nice basket or box; the pretty wrappings on the gifts with real ribbons tied about them.  That's what really thrills me.  And those things I can manage this year.  There's no reason at all why my presents can't be presented in just such a way and at a far lesser cost than those I've been saving in my wish file. 

It's going to be such a lovely Christmas this year!

Dear Santa

 

One of the highlights of my childhood Christmases was the opportunity to see Santa.  Sightings happened more often than being able to visit and once we moved out into the country well even sightings were unlikely to occur. 

However, there was always mail.  I could write a letter to Santa each year and my brothers and I generally did until we were too big to believe any longer.  I don't know what happened to the letters we wrote each year.  We put them in an envelope and some years; we were given a stamp to go on that envelope.  As a rule, we handed the letters over to Daddy, because he worked at the post office. As far as we were concerned, we had an absolute guarantee of having our letters delivered safely to the North Pole!

December's Quiet Pleasures

 

December is such a festive month, that it hardly seems as though one would need to plan to enjoy it.  But it's because it is such a festive month with so much to do, that I find I must be especially mindful to make the time to get to the quiet splendor of the month.

In a month marked by busyness, I want to appreciate this month.  I'm no less busy than anyone else, but I'm trying to be very mindful this year of the need to stop and breathe, to not run on adrenaline and overwhelm and to recognize the full significance of all that happens this month.

This Last Day of November

I made a new to us recipe on Saturday.  I had gotten a copy of the Magnolia Home Winter Journal in the mail, and this recipe sounded so good.  I had only about half the ingredients.  There were a few substitutions that were made.  It was a lot of work, more than the recipe as written required but I was starting from scratch with several items.  I will tell you it was really, really good.  But I've no idea if the recipe as written is good because it really just ended up being the jumping off place of inspiration for me.

Declarations for the Holidays

 

I'm writing this at the risk of sounding like Grinch.  But this year, I declare 2025 holiday season as mine.  And accordingly, I have written a list of rules for me to live by.

1.  I will not participate in a 'family' event that is bound to bring only displeasure, hurt, tension and stress.

Traveling Well

 

As I type this I am preparing for vacation.  Writing has pretty much taken a backseat to the planning of what to pack, what will be wanted/needed, what might be best to take with us in order to save a bit of money, what is too much to pack.  The tendency is to try to pack for every eventuality.  

The reality is that I can pack every single thing I think I might need (also known as overpacking) but I will be very irritable upon arrival and equally irritable when we pack up to leave.  It's humping all that luggage and stuff about, you see, that really spoils the whole thing.  

Reclaiming Innocence

What I'm sharing today is stuff of a sensitive nature.  If like me you have learned things you'd sooner not have known, then please know that you are not alone.

When I was a child, I was exposed to things a child shouldn't have heard much less have seen.  It removed an innocence that I wasn't prepared to lose, at a very early age.  This exposure happened many times over the next several years.  

I'll Have Fun

 

I'm not very good at having fun.  I am much more prone to think of things that might be fun and then clamp the door shut, lock it tight and force myself to do something 'productive'.   Add to that my Martha complex of being certain that unless I do the necessary jobs about my home, no one else shall (and indeed there is no one else going to do them!).  You can see how I bump hard on the ground the moment I think I'm going to take a day off or a bit of time to have 'fun'.  

Child's Play

                                                               Artist: Joe Cartwright

I've been going back in time these days. Aka time travel which is rather nice as I can travel to past or future. It feels a lot like the Wonka factory elevator!  I've been looking at the ways in which I played as a child.  Part of that exploration is due to the Julia Cameron's book, The Artist's Way, which I'm currently making my way through.  She'd asked the question a few weeks ago about childhood which led to the question of how we played.

Lovely Day!

 

I don't have a single photo from our day...I have a brand-new camera and I'll confess, aside from charging and putting in the batteries and SD card, the camera has gone back to the box.  I confess I generally save my Christmas gifts, no matter how early they are given, for Christmas.  My phone makes the most awful photos, so I don't use for general photography as a rule.  Off subject all this talk of cameras, except that I wish I'd had the new camera with me today.   

I don't know that I've mentioned it overmuch, but John's anxiety has increased to the point that he is very reluctant to leave home unless we are solidly in the middle of the rut we typically travel, which means we go to church and Katie's and pretty much nowhere else these days.  I've talked to him about his anxiety and how it's affecting two of us and not just himself, but he steadily refuses to take medication.  I have urged him to try the Vitamin B supplement our former doctor put me on when I was suffering with so much anxiety and panic attacks and I've noticed he's been taking it routinely this week, but will he do it next week?  There's the real question.  I sort of nagged him gently for the past week and we got out of the house.

November

I've just been making out my list of goals for this month (it's November 1 as I write this) and while I say I am not going to be sharing those goals.  I did think I'd share some of my favorite things for November.  I am not mentioning Thanksgiving on purpose.  It is a favorite, but I feel it is a stand-alone for November, sort of the gateway into the whole holiday season, so you won't find me mentioning it here.  I'm reserving those pleasures.

Here's what I'm going to be doing to make November a cozy and memorable month...

Dream Editor

 

                                             "Lucid" from the Dreamborn series by Kyraith

Several years ago (oh so many!) my daughter Amie taught me a lesson...And it's one that I keep repeating to myself now and then, just because I need constant reminding.

We were waiting on the bus.  Amie was 16 or 17 at the time.  "What would you do if..."  I think this particular morning the subject was "you were to win the lottery."  Amie was lavish in her dreams.  She treated herself and family to many needs and a great deal many more wants.  She traveled and ventured and did oh so many things.  Then it was my turn.

Fairy Tale Life

I was doing some rather mundane household chore the other day when I suddenly thought, "I'd kind of like a fairy Godmother..." 

Mama bought a set of books for us children when we were far too young to read.  She ordered some classics and among the set was a book of fairytales.  Grimms Fairytales as it happens and let me assure you that the authors' name was a fit description for the tales told therein.

And Then...I Remember What I Know

 

Things were going so well.  I've been riding on the wave of my newfound confidence and joy.  I've made a good start on losing weight.  I am adding good things back into my life.  I have been filled with a sense of abundance instead of the fear and worry I tend to lean on when it comes to finances.  I felt I was writing better.  I was enjoying my (admittedly feeble) artistic attempts.

And then it started.    

A Room of My Own

 

Tuesday:  John is gone today.  As in all day today and it would truly be a shame to do no writing at all.  I spent the morning out shopping, the fun sort, where I wandered Hobby Lobby and Goodwill and TJ Maxx...but now that I'm home, and I still have a whole afternoon alone...Writing and putting my feet up is what appeals most.

The following will likely be written as a random post, but the sections are somewhat connected.

I Am a Poet

Granny had a grey vellum bound, thin volume of "101 Best Loved Poems" printed in the early 1930's.  I found it on her bookshelves Granny was my original 'lending library'.  She had volumes and volumes of books and allowed us grandchildren to borrow them to take home.   I borrowed that book of poems over and over again.  I read Walt Whitman and John Greenleaf Whittier and Robert Lowell, Edgar Allen Poe, Edgar A. Guest...I loved reading those poems and often kept the book for a month or more, copying out my favorites to read through again and again.

When I was 13 or 14, I had an English teacher who was a true mentor and birthed in me the first real inspiration I'd ever had.  Lynn Smith Campbell taught the junior high English classes.  One quarter of that years must have been writing and composition.  It was this class that sparked my inner writer.

Abundant Thinking

Over the past three months, I've had this unshakeable sense of abundance in my life. 

Let me make a few things clear very quickly here.  I am not going to discuss money in the same way that I have in the past.  I am not going to tell you how to stretch a dollar or make a meal go further or how to cut back.  I am not about to share a bevy of affirmations.  Nor am I about to delve into vision boards and feng shui.  

I'm talking about an internal shift.

Imprinting Our Home

 

Many years ago, I had a dear friend who changed her furniture around at least five times a year.  She lived in a modest home and at some point, every room except the bathroom and her beauty shop were switched around routinely.  Her living room was in every single room of the house.  A hallway might become a dining room, a bedroom might become a living room, her living room might turn into a dining room.  She might have an eat-in kitchen or a dining space on the back porch.  Walls got painted whatever color struck her fancy and matched her furniture at the time.  She lived in her house, and she lived well.